Cilley
by Krin
Summary: Extremely AU, written before Jak3 came out! Story about Jak's mom and his impoverished childhood in Haven leading up to the second game. A sad and brutal story.
1. Cilley

**2010 Update: This fic was written when only J1 and J2 were out, before the games explained anything in Jak's past. Hence, it is incredibly AU.**** Early, early into fandom I wondered who Jak's parents were and wrote this story (and part of its sequel) as a possible explanation. It has been edited to fix issues with punctuation (the site changed what kinds of quotation marks it supported), but content is largely unchanged. I used to thank people in the A/Ns for their reviews, but as that is possibly a violation of the TOS (we have review reply now) I have removed those parts. I wrote the fic to blend with the known canon of the time as well as I could. It also shares common fanon with some of my other fics, mainly "Studying the Unloved."**

**Even though I dislike the AU aspect intensely, I consider this fic my real introduction to the fandom, and have met many wonderful people through it. If you, so many years out now, fancy a read, please enjoy.**

**This fic contains many issues associated with poverty; disease, death, violence, prostitution (although there is NO explicit content!!), drugs, etc. I tried to portray these issues in a brutally honest way. My gut reaction to Haven City was this- as such a deviation from the bright, fun world of J1, I felt the city was a much darker, sicker, poorer place than usually portrayed in fanon.  
**

**"Cilley" is pronounced Sigh-ly. Like if you made 'sigh' an adverb.**

* * *

"Cilley?"

The knocks came harder and harder, threatening to break the pitiful wooden door. Instinctively I snatched Jak off the ground and held him in my arms. He didn't protest, merely watched the shapes he had been cutting into the dirt floor fall away from him. "Try not to wiggle," I whispered. He was a solid four year old and could knock me off balance if he tried hard enough.

I didn't need to tell him not to make a sound. He never did.

He nodded, his huge eyes alighting upon the splintering door.

"Cilley! Open up, upon orders of Baron Praxis!"

"It's just a game, sweet one," I whispered into his ear. He nuzzled my face and I felt somewhat braver. Thank you, Jak, I thought, for giving me strength. I grabbed my cloak and my bag, looped each around my shoulders somehow without strangling myself, and opened the door.

Massive red shoulders towered over me. The Krimzon Guard radiated a power that left my knees shaking. There was only one that I could see, and his gun was almost as tall as he was. I felt every ounce of courage I had mustered tunnel through my feet into the floor. Jak buried his face into my neck. As I ran my hands through his green hair, I whispered, "it's just a game, honey. Let mommy do the talking."

The Guard looked down at me, and I felt his stare through his metal faceplate. "Cilley?" His tone indicated just how small he found me. Very small, indeed. A spindly blonde woman, shaking and unkempt.

"Yes?" I said, tossing my hair back and trying to square my shoulders.

"We will escort you to the Palace, Baron's orders. Bring your supplies. If the Baroness dies, you'll be killed. Do you understand?"

"Yes. Let me get them." I turned my back to the mountain of red metal and set Jak down. "See honey? It's just a game. Mommy has to go to work. She has to help the Baroness. Will you get my special jars?" Jak grinned and nodded, running into the back of the room as fast as his little legs could carry him. All of the doctors must be at war, I thought, for the Baron to call upon a slummer. Without turning around, I asked, "is there a vehicle, or will we be walking?"

A cackling of static radio transmissions. "Vehicle," the Guard grunted. I twisted my mouth and decided to take the mantle with me. Jak and I would probably be walking home from the Palace.

"Oh, thank you honey. We're going to take a trip now, okay?" I took his little hand and we followed the Guard out of our house. I didn't bother to shut the door behind me. If the neighbors were watching what was happening between scraps of curtain, they wouldn't dare touch the house. "Don't be scared, now," I said, pulling Jak onto my lap. The vehicle was enclosed, thank Mar, and I let Jak press his face against the windows to watch the city fly by below.

While he was occupied, I arranged my jars and packets of herbs. I had a marking system of my own, as I could barely sign my name. Drusus and I had promised ourselves we would not let Jak grow up illiterate, but it didn't look like he had much of a chance now. The Baron had just cut funding for the slum schools. The teachers had attempted a strike, but most of them were killed in the ensuing uprising. I sighed, watching the people walking below us. I turned my head just as that corner came, and choked. I held my breath, waiting, waiting for the zoomer to pass the site.

A little hand touched my cheek. I opened my eyes. Jak waved a little at me, his sign for 'mommy,' showing his concern. "Oh nothing, Jak," I said. He touched my face again, and I realized it was wet. His blue eyes threatened tears. I took him onto my lap again. "Did you like looking at the city?" He nodded. Behind us, the corner disappeared behind one of the island buildings, but not before I saw the faint splatter of red.

Damn those ring courses, I thought fiercely. Damn you, Drusus, and your insane lust for racing. I squeezed Jak without thinking, and he made a choking sound. "Oh, sorry honey. I love you," I kissed his cheek and he smiled. "I was just thinking of times before," I said. He made a wiggly sign for 'daddy,' and I nodded. "We miss him a lot, don't we?" He nodded. "We're never, ever going to race in those nasty ring courses, are we Jak?" He nodded, one distinct jut of the head. "And we're never, ever going to join shady men in strange adventures, right?"

He grinned, and made the finger wiggling 'never ever' sign. I smiled, and we laughed. His laugh was soundless, mostly a shaking of the shoulders and a huge grin. I hugged him again and the vehicle landed.


	2. The Baroness

**If I had a muse, right now s/he would be saying something like, "squeak squeak mmmmsqueak squeak!" And I would be all like, "squeak yo' squeak in da what?" And then it would conk me over the head.**

So, as it turns out, I haven't got one of those squeaking muses. But I have some very, very cool Jade plants. (The small one is named Daxter!) Let's see what Daxter has to say:

Daxter: *converts CO2 and light to glucose and O2*

Well said, Daxter. 

* * *

The Baroness sat against a heap of silk pillows, sweating and cursing. "Bout damn time you got here, woman!" she shrieked. Jak's eyes got big.

"Here's the mantle," I said, wrapping it around him. "Mommy has to work now. See if you can sleep. Tell me your dreams when I see you again." He trotted off into the corner, beneath a marble footstool, wrapped himself in the mantle, and fell asleep.

I gathered the necessary items from my bag and approached the Baroness. "Good evening, Baroness," I murmured, trying not to spill things while curtseying.

White spittle caked the corners of her mouth. "Bout time," she said again, and screamed as a wave of pain flowed through her body. I handed a tea bag to the servant next to me, instructing her to brew it immediately. "Pain killers are coming, my lady," I said. I instructed her on how to breathe, and gave her a sack of beans to crush in her hands. "Squeeze that real hard, now," I said. "Take the pain away. That's it. Breathe in, breathe out."

The servant returned. The Baroness swallowed the tea without complaint. I applied a salve to her face and arms. We waited for it to take effect, and then I got to work.

Thankfully, it was only an hour delivery. "Second fastest time I've ever witnessed," I said, wiping the baby clean with a damp cloth. "It's a girl! This is a most auspicious birth." The baby screamed her little lungs out. I wrapped her in a royal shroud and handed her to the Baroness. The woman's eyes were still hazed, but she took the baby and held her awkwardly. "She is born on the first Sunday after the first full moon of the year," I continued, hastily gathering my things. I glanced under the footstool. Little Jak's body slowly moved up and down. "Her life will be filled with trial and hardship, but she will reign in a time of betterment." I waved my hands over the baby, willing good fortunes for her. The Baroness nodded without listening.

The door burst open. "Where is she?!" The servant behind me gasped, and we both curtseyed as fast as we could. Praxis pushed past me and kneeled by the bed. "How is my boopsie?" he growled, in what he probably thought was a soothing voice. The baby screamed. "Is it a boy?"

The servant looked at me, then looked away. "No, sir," I said, keeping my gaze down. "It's a girl."

I didn't see his reaction, but by the stomping and shaking of the floor he didn't seem happy. "Next time," he shouted, and thudded his way out the door.

The Baroness watched him go, a sad look in her eye. "Cilley?" she whispered. I approached the bed, tying a knot in my bag. She grabbed me by the collar. "What went wrong?" The sad look was replaced by something hard and cold. "What did you do wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, clawing at my throat. "The baby was a girl before I touched her."

The Baroness sighed, disgusted. I pulled away from her grasp. "Please, my lady, what will you name her?"

"Ashelin," she spat. "You probably don't know what that means, uneducated fool you are." I nodded, a dark feeling burning in my stomach. "Thought not. It's an old tongue. It means Betrayal."

I backed away, reaching under the footstool and shaking Jak awake. "Honey? Honey? We have to go now. It is very important to go now." I could not imagine doing such a thing to a child, as naming it Betrayal. Naming the child within five minutes was so important, and now she was tainted with an uncertain future. Burn the Baroness, I thought fiercely, burn her and her poor daughter. Jak shook his head and tried to push me away. "No, no, we have to leave. Come on, you can ride in the cradle. You can tell me your dreams."

He shut his eyes and sighed. I picked him up and ran out of the room and into a Guard. His gun pressed against my forehead before I even knew what I had done. I shook, waiting to be reprimanded. He considered me for a minute, then slung the gun over his shoulder. "You waiting for a ride back?"

I wound the mantle around my body, creating a cradle of sorts. I heaved Jak into it, and let him wrap his arms around my neck. Hopefully he would sleep most of the way home. "Yes, sir," I said, trying to look humble.

"Aren't getting one. Baron gives you this, though." He tossed a thick disk at me, then roughly shoved me out the door. I turned the disk around in my hands, squinting at the writing. "Wait-" I said. The door stopped halfway shut.

"What?" The Guard sounded impatient.

"What is this?"

He laughed, knowing exactly why I didn't know what it was. "It's a pass to the Silent Place."

"Thank you, sir. Thank you."

The Guard retreated into the palace and the door slammed shut. I looked up. Large neon signs blotted out the sky, but by their colors and shapes I knew where I was. I hefted Jak into a more comfortable position and started walking home.


	3. Midwife's Curse

**All right, so Daxter didn't have much to say. Let's check on Waleed!**

Waleed: Hey, why don't you water us more than once a week?

Krin: Cuz you're succulents, and it's bad for your roots to be swimming in water.

Waleed: Well, can you at least put me closer to the window?

Krin: *sigh*

* * *

The burning feeling in my stomach got tighter as I passed the Hideout, where Drusus used to make his bets. I pulled the hood of the cloak over, trying to hide my face. Familiar men called out to me as I walked by. I shook my head and walked faster. These were the unemployed, the slummers, the members who'd lost their gangs to the Guard. They haunted the city by night, setting up their damn ring courses and betting money for lives. "Sure you don't wanna try the tracks?" hissed one shadow. I faced him, neon lights flickering from above.

"Krew, you killed Drusus."

"Oh come now," he said in his slimy voice. "He was the one with the thirst for betting, eh?"

"You're sick," I spat.

"You lived off it, eh?" He shot his hand out and grabbed my arm. I shook it away.

"I live _off_ it just fine." I turned, hoping Jak wouldn't wake up. Krew laughed and I heard the roar of a zoomer.

"This one's real nice, just like the kind Drusus had," he said. "It's different from the others; gonna be a major player soon, eh. See, it's lighter and smaller than the zoomers they got now, eh. But it takes more damage. We learned a few things with Drusus' explosive passing." The men laughed, and I tried to hold back tears. "You just wait, eh. You could be rich. These babies gonna take over the streets so soon. Won't be seein' those flying boxes anymore, eh. Maybe we get the little one to do little runs, eh?" He made disgusting hand motions at me, a mockery of my child, whose disability he was well aware of.

"I hope you get so fat, you never race again!" I screamed, pulling the hood away from my face. He stepped back. "That's right, you rank dog. A midwife's curse under the full moon!" And I took off, thudding my heels on the dust. More laughter followed, but it was forced. There's a lot of superstition around the slums, and damn if people didn't take me seriously.

I ran and ran until we got home. I didn't bother to unwrap Jak, merely laid down on the bed and felt his body curl up into mine.


	4. Dreams

**All right, Waleed was no fun.**

Osiris: Why do I have to share this planting thing with Lebenklee?

Krin: Cuz.

Osiris: But she's so boring.

Krin: Sorry to hear that.

Osiris: I want to be next to Artemis.

Krin: She's at the other window!

Osiris: *pout*

Krin: Wow. I've never seen a plant pout before. Enough wasting the precious time of these patient people. Read on, my linklies!

Osiris: Linklies?

Krin: Shuddup. *pulls down shade*

Osiris: Aagghh! My chloroplasts!

***

I dreamed of the time I took Jak to see Onin, before Drusus died. I hated this dream; it came to me every two months or so. It made me burn inside, needing Drusus and crying so much with the memories.

The day had been a pleasant one. The suns had seared the midday smog off the buildings by the time I got to her market tent. Jak was three, jumping happily around me and watching the birds fly overhead. Immediately upon entering the tent he had grabbed Pecker by the tail feathers.

"AWK!" screamed the animal. "What are you doing?! You, woman, keep your little filth child off me, huh?" Pecker flew to Onin, rubbing his butt.

"I'm sorry," I shrugged. "He likes animals."

"I am not an animal!" Pecker crossed the limbs that served as arms. The old woman beneath him waved her arms around and smiled. "Oh, shut up Onin!"

I set my offering of pounded cherry breads before them and waited for counseling.

"First of all," said Pecker, eyeing Jak, "get your little booger-boy over here, where he won't do any dama-"

Jak had been jumping up and down, trying to reach a crystal bowl of something swirling pink. The counter was just at his eye level. He crouched down to jump higher, banged his head on the counter, and flailed his arms as glassware came crashing down.

"-age. Well, so much for that." Pecker scowled. I apologized and went to clean up the mess. "No! Don't touch that, woman! What's wrong with you?" I gritted my teeth and pulled Jak over to sit next to me. "Now, we will NOT be touching things." Pecker leered down at Jak, who stared back with huge eyes. "Okay. Onin says." He paused, watching the waving and mist below his feet. "That it is nice to see the boy again-"

"She's never met Jak," I said, giving the moncaw a look.

He rolled his eyes. "Don't get me started on what she means by that. Time is not like taxes; you never know when it is certain. Now shut up." Onin waved her hands some more, her white eyes getting bigger and bigger. "Onin says she has been waiting for quite a while to see you, and that each time she sees the boy, she is more anxious for things to come."

I nodded, biting my tongue. This is not why I had set up the appointment, which had cost me a week's worth in wages.

"She says he has a very strong light within, and that he will be greater than anything you have ever seen in your life. And-" he cut himself off. "Uh. Well, he'll be greater than anything you'll see in your life."

I tried to understand what he meant by that. It didn't make any sense. "Why can't he talk?"

"Shush! I am trying to convey to you how mystical and important your stupid kid is!" Pecker nearly fell off Onin's head with his excitable pacing. "Now, the reasons for his being aren't entirely clear to Onin." He paused again, watching several colored triangles hover through the air. "Ummm... Onin says your mission in life is to keep him safe, and that he is the key to this city. Someday soon he will have to be taken from you, and a protector will be assigned to him."

"What?!" I hugged him tighter. "I'm not giving up my child!"

"Look, don't argue with me." Pecker shrugged. "I'm just interpreting. He'll be safe then, when he is with his protector."

"I'm his protector!"

Onin cut Pecker off with some swatting motions. The moncaw watched for a minute. "Okay, Onin says you're right, for now. You get booger brain for a while longer, but there is a battle within you, and someday your slumber will be greater than your hunger."

These words shivered down my spine. "What- what does she mean?"

"It is not your place to ask questions here!" Pecker swooped down and snatched the cherry breads. "Onin thanks you for your contribution to the Feed Pecker charity-" Onin swatted at him again. "Okay, okay, hold your horses, your Oldness. You don't have anything but gums to eat this with anyway-" More swatting. Pecker looked up. "It's time for you to go. When the protector is found, Onin will send you the message."

I stood, uncertain. "But why can't he talk?"

Pecker shouted at me with a mouthful of bread. "Mmmpphh gggphhhkk!"

Jak ran around them twice then out of the tent. I followed him home. Then the dream shifted, as it always did. My little boy faded, and in his place, the corner appeared.

I ran to the body beneath the burning zoomer shell. "He's gone, eh?" Krew muttered, kicking at the cement and trying to figure out how much of the machine he could salvage before the Guard came. "Get off him, Cilley. He's gone."

Drusus was twisting in pain, eyes rolling into directions where there was no light. I screamed, bending and cradling his face in my apron. "Drusus, get up!" I knew I didn't have the right expertise to help him. I knew he was dying. His hands were clenching and unclenching. Blood seeped out from under the zoomer and climbed up the hem of my skirt. "Drusus! Don't sleep!" His tongue hung out of his mouth, a sign of severe brain damage. I crawled on top of him, kissing his broken face. "Don't leave me!"

"Cilley," Krew warned, pocketing a huge wad of dollar bills. "Get the hell up, Cilley, eh?" And he was gone. The city alarms were on, flashing red everywhere. I heard men screaming and scattering.

I couldn't leave his side. A Guard tried to pry me off his body and I beat his armored chest, breaking my left arm in the process. Finally two more Guards came and hauled me away. "You don't wanna look at this, lady," said one of them. They stood me up against a wall, facing away from the smash site.

"Don't do it!" I screamed, kicking at him and his huge companion. They looked at each other and shrugged. "Please! Someone help him!" I cried and cried. The giant blue crackling of a Peace Maker burst from behind the smash site. I wailed, tearing my hair and my clothes. One of the Guards took my hands and held them apart. I screamed again, because he grabbed me where my wrist had broken.

The Guards called in the Evac Team. They cleaned up the site, took the body away for dumping, and tried to bleach the blood from the walls. I cried as they did it, only sitting because one of the Evac Team had taken pity on me and given me a trank. By dawn, dust was already settling into the new cracks in the ground and the city was sputtering to life.

Drusus was a slummer. He was a speedracer. He was expendable and I didn't have enough to bury him. His body lying in the street would upset passing citizens, so the Guards followed procedure. It didn't hurt him when they blasted his skull apart, they tell me. It didn't hurt him at all.

But I went home to my little boy, and for the first time in his life, couldn't give him a good morning kiss.


	5. Exploring

**Jasmonate: You know, you're talking to your small farm of Jade plants.**

Krin: Yeah, I know.

Jasmonate: Maybe you should be talking to those of your same species.

* * *

'Mommy?'

The sign curved around my sweating face. I jumped up, nearly knocking Jak over. He made the mommy sign again, and I rubbed my eyes. He made the daddy sign and the sleeping sign and I nodded. He started to cry. We both cried for a long time. He tried to tell me his dreams, but his hands were dripping with silent tears and his little shoulders were shaking too hard.

Finally I picked him up, wiped our faces off, and said in the happiest voice I could manage, "shall we go exploring?"

He sniffed, then brightened. "Good boy. Let's have us some breakfast first, huh?" He ran to the cabinet and pulled out his favorite flavor of jelly and a roll. "Okay, okay. It's too sweet in the morning for me, but not for you." He beamed, ecstatic, and I marveled at the ability for a child to recover from grief so quickly. He made a sugary sandwich and wolfed it down. I had some water and grains. I hung up the sign on the door, which someone once told me said, "Away for the Day." Jak got his exploring backpack, took my hand, and marched us out the door.

We walked slowly, enjoying the warm day. Jak ran around the market squares, charming all the little old ladies selling fruits. He marveled at the metal pots hanging from the cooking stand, getting sticky fingerprints all over everything. "No touching," I said gently. He gave me his devious look, a slight squinching of the eyes and a curving smile. A couple of rabbits ran through the area and he chased them.

When we reached the farming plots he stopped, uncertain. He had never been this far from home, had never seen this part of the city. I fanned my face with my hand, sweating a little under the sun. "It's okay, sweet one," I said. "This is where people grow their food. See the lines of crops? Farmers are very important to the city." He nodded, eyeing the giant blue corn rows. He took my hand and stared up at me. He tilted his head.

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked. His hand was shaking violently. I held him tighter. He was still looking at me. "What?" He pointed with his other hand. "Oh... I'm shaking." He nodded. I tried to laugh it off. "I thought that was you, child! Oh well, it must be the heat. Let's go."

He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and stepped onto the soil. The look on his face, that hint of wonder under the determination, made me laugh inside. We walked for a while, hand in hand, until another pair of rabbits flicked by and Jak chased them, following their zig-zagging path.

The city walls were even more immense close up. We stood in front of the ramp, bending our necks to see how high the walls soared. Jak breathed heavily, panting with his tongue out. I fanned my face some more. "See this?" I pointed to the massive metal door. "This is a way out of the city."

His eyes got really big. He pointed to it, as if to say, 'out?'

"Yes, honey. Out. There are a few places where people can leave, but only if they have clearance," I dug through my pockets and held up the thick disk. "Or if they get special permission from the Baron! And today's our day to leave and go exploring. Isn't that fun?" Jak nodded excitedly, waving his arms and reaching for the disk. "Mmm, okay, but don't drop it."

He turned it around in his little hands, tracing the seam of the plastic edge. Uncertain as to what it should be doing, he twisted his mouth. We walked up the ramp to the door, and I showed him the place in the wall where the disk could be inserted. Jak jumped up and slapped it into place. It fell out of the wall and landed at his feet with a metallic ring. He frowned, stood on tip toe, and carefully tilted the disk into the wall. It tumbled out, ran along the length of his arm, and landed next to my feet.

"Oh," I said, sitting down. "Mommy's a little warm." He picked up the disk again and frowned at it. I took a deep breath. "Jak?" I asked weakly. "Are you dancing?" He shook his head no. "Oh. Okay, well, mommy is seeing things wave around like they're not supposed to." He laughed, and I tried to smile, but I was starting to get dizzy. What's wrong? I thought. I hope I'm not getting sick.

After another five minutes of sitting, I felt a little better. I took the disk in my hands. Jak stared at me. "It doesn't fit?" I asked. He shook his head. Disappointment etched its way across his face. I sighed. Burn the Baron, too, I thought. I turned the disk around in my hands. "Maybe we have to open it," I said. I pressed my finger against the edge of the disk. The plastic popped up just a little, and I wedged my thumb nail under it. It made a snapping sound and the plastic casing came apart smoothly, revealing a bronze medallion inside. "Huh," I said, holding it up in the sunlight. "I've never seen a pass like this." Jak reached for it, eyes wide. I let him take it from my hand. He stared at it, tracing the swirling pattern with his fingers. "It's pretty, isn't it?" He nodded and held it up to the light again. I thought I saw words flickering beneath the pattern, in the metal itself. I shook my head. Now I was seeing things. The medallion was solid as far as I could tell, but light. Aside from the curling lines and a thin boarder, there were no other marks. "Help mommy up," I said. Jak stood and held out a hand. I took it and heaved myself up. "Good job! You're so strong. Let me try." I took the medallion from him and pressed it into the wall.

The platform we stood on rumbled. Jak jumped and grabbed my legs, hiding his face in my skirt. I put one hand on his head and the other on the wall, which also shook. The medallion flashed white light and I stepped back.

"The heir to the throne may not pass." The computer's voice boomed from the wall.

"What?" I screamed, trying to get my voice louder than the shaking of the platform. "That's our pass. We want to go to the Silent Place!"

"The heir to the throne may not pass."

"He's not an heir!" I shook my fist at the wall. "Let us through!"

The computer said nothing in reply, just spat the medallion out of the wall. Jak gasped as it hit his foot. I ran up to the wall and banged on it. "You stupid thing! Let us in! We have permission from the Baron and-"

"Restricted area. Desist civil unrest or the Guard will be called."

I shut my eyes and hung my head. Jak pulled me away from the wall and down the ramp. "I'm so sorry, honey," I said, hoping he wouldn't cry. He held the medallion. I shook my head at it, wishing I could read its markings. "I'm so sorry."

He touched my face, then stuck his tongue out at the wall. "That's right!" I said. "Mean, nasty old wall! Someday we'll go in there, won't we?" He nodded. "We'll go in there and find all the precursor orbs we need for a nice new house, won't we?" He grinned. "We'll go in there, and if it's nice, we won't ever come out!" He opened his mouth in a silent laugh. I smiled. "I'm very glad you're not sad," I said, running a finger down his cheek. "And I'm sorry we can't go in there now. We'll visit the Baron later and get a different pass." Jak nodded. "Until then, though, we're going to keep this shiny thing, won't we?" He nodded again, then pointed at the top of it.

"Oh, clever boy! I hadn't seen that. It's got a hole in it. Hang on a second," I ripped the hem of the back of my skirt off, as it was the strongest part of the worn garment. As we walked past the rows of corn and waving grains, I braided the hem and twisted it, making it strong. When we reached the pavement of the city, I wound it through the medallion and tied it around his neck. "There you are, you look so handsome." Jak looked down and away, twisting his hands behind his back and smiling. "You're so darn cute when you do that." He batted his eyelashes at me, shot out a hand, tagged my arm, and took off. "Hey! Get back here, mister!"

We ran around the city, avoiding the hulking Guards and pickpockets. When we reached the fountains, I had to sit. "Come here," I gasped, holding my sides. Jak panted too, with his tongue out. We sat with our backs to the fountain, letting the spray cool us. "I don't think mommy can handle another game of tag," I said. Jak nodded emphatically, still with his tongue out. "Where did you learn that?" I asked, pointing to his tongue. He got down on the ground and prowled around, occasionally chasing an invisible tail. Citizens walking by looked at me in disgust, but I ignored them. "You learned it from a doggy?" He nodded and jumped up on my lap, covered in dust. I laughed and wiped some off his nose. "You're a clever boy, aren't you?" He nodded some more and licked my face. "Eww!" I wiped it off. "Bad doggy!" I scolded and laughed. Jak grinned wickedly and started to dive into the fountain. "No, no. We can't do that."

As I struggled to keep him out of the water, my vision blurred. "Jak?" My stomach felt sick. I couldn't feel him or the water. I panicked. Everything was black. "Jak?" I reached forward and lost my balance.

Then a blinding light came from below. I couldn't feel most of my body, but I turned toward it. Bubbles of light and air followed. I felt the mommy sign all over my face, and rested my head on a horizontal cement surface. After a long while, I could feel my body. Shapes came into focus, and I realized I had never shut my eyes.

I was sitting in the fountain, head on the wall containing it. Jak stood in front of me, touching my face and crying silently. I spat some water out. "Ooo, mommy fell in, didn't she?" He nodded, wiping water off my forehead. He made the sign for hot and pointed to my face. "Mommy has a fever?" He nodded. I tried to heave myself out of the fountain but my stomach protested. "Ugh. Mommy's going to sit here just a moment more, okay?"

Jak shook his head and pointed to his right. I turned my head. Oh Precursors, the Guard. Two of them were coming. I splashed around, trying to get my legs to work. As I neared, I heard them talking. Jak spread his arms out to try to block their view of me.

"Damn slummers, thinking they can take a bath in the fountains..."

"Look at that scrawny woman. Ha ha, the kid's trying to protect her..."

"I hate these people..."

They watched me get one leg over the wall, then the other, then fall over and hit the ground. Dust stuck to me instantly, mixing with the water and covering my clothes with mud.

"Don't go back in there," warned one of them. He bopped Jak on the head with the tip of his gun. "Wouldn't want to see someone get hurt just cuz you felt like fouling the Baron's water."

Jak ran and hid behind me, crying. I looked up, barely able to hold my body off the ground. "How dare you," I whispered. I coughed. They laughed. "Hitting a child!"

"Didn't like that?" One of them asked. I shut my eyes, instantly wishing I had kept my mouth shut. I heard Jak breathe in sharply, his equivalent of a scream, and then the sound of the gun hitting the side of my face. Then the pain. I screamed and fell to the ground, covering the back of my head. Jak laid on top of me, crying and hugging me and getting filthy.

When the pain had receded enough, I sat up against the fountain wall. Jak couldn't stop crying. I needed a drink of water so bad. The water behind me gurgled pleasantly. All I need, I thought to myself, is a little clean water. To drink and to wash my face. But they won't give me even that.

Jak got a bandage from his exploring backpack and tried to put it over my face. I screamed a little at the pain. He jumped back. "Sorry, honey. It wasn't you. It hurts a lot. Please stop crying. Please?"

He shook his head no and the tears kept coming. I cleaned myself up as best I could, wiping the blood and the mud off my face with my ripped skirt. All the citizens walking toward the fountain crossed to the other side of the pavement. No one helps a beaten slummer and her dirty kid. No one cares. For a wild minute I thought of what Drusus would have done to that Guard, if he could've. The thought cut through me, upsetting my stomach more, and I tried to shake it away.

I stood uncertainly, praying I wouldn't have another fainting spell. "Come on, Jak. Let's go," I took his hand and we walked slowly, avoiding all the stares. "When we get home, we're taking showers and then going to bed." He pointed to his stomach. "Hungry? Okay, you can eat whatever you want. We're locking the door and staying inside." I wasn't exactly sure of what I was saying. I knew Jak would obey, though. He's a good boy. A Guard turned the corner and gave us a sterile glance. I shuddered. "Come on, honey. Let's go a bit faster."

* * *

**Notes for those who have expressed interest: Drusus is an old name. I heard of it in Latin class a million years ago and loved it. I've been using it in fiction (original and now fan) for a while. There's something... I dunno... neat about the sound of it.**


	6. The Trophy

Two minutes.

That's all you get to shower with. Two minutes of cold, metallic tasting water. I shut my eyes as it sizzled through the wound on my face. _If I have to say I'm sorry to my little boy one more time..._

I hastily scrubbed with homemade soap. _One more time, Jak, I'm sorry, we can't go here or we can't eat this or we can't sit on this Public Zoomer... If I have to apologize again..._

One minute to go. Hurry and pick the clumps of mud out of my hair. Can't let them clog the tiny drain hole.

_Oh Mar. Do we have any food for tomorrow? I think we have one more roll. Jak can have that. With jelly. Yes, he loves jelly. I hope someone needs me tomorrow._

Click. The water abruptly shut off. I shivered, pulled on my clothes, and swept the curtain aside. Still dripping I walked over to Jak.

"What is it, honey?" I looked over the picture he was scratching into the floor. He shrugged and signed 'house warm clean nice far away.' He pointed to a round house with flowers growing near it and water in the background. "That looks very pretty," I said. "Where did you see it?"

'Dreams,' he signed.

"Maybe someday you'll live there."

He smiled.

"Time for your shower. Hurry now."

He rolled his eyes and walked to the curtain.

I pulled our skillet off its hook and looked at my reflection. My right cheek was swelling. I touched it gently and it throbbed with heat. I sighed and retrieved a cream from the medicine cabinet. It was packed with jars and bags of herbs. These were the medicines I was teaching Jak about.

Above the cabinets, in a locked safe, were the medicines I wouldn't dare let him touch. There were only three jars it in. The first was white, a concentrated syrup of white moon mushroom extract. This would put someone to sleep forever. The second was filled with slivers of red sponge cake. Each piece could be disintegrated into gallons of water and cause widespread death. The last jar was purple, containing a purple powder. Named after the scientist who had discovered its power, the Thrinaxian Leaf Powder was a potent memory eraser.

I hid the key in a foul smelling jar labeled with a picture of a skunk. Jak knew he wasn't allowed in that cabinet, but I hid the key to be sure he would never make a terrible mistake. For the hundredth time I thought of how easy it would be to stir a little white moon mushroom syrup into the tea. Jak and I could curl up and sleep forever, no longer plagued by the evils of Haven. But no, I shook my head. It can't be like that. Jak is my special boy. Someday he'll be great.

Click. He emerged from the shower wearing one of Drusus' shirts. I had sold all but two of them. Jak and I each wore one every night to bed. They were threadbare and patched, but comforting just the same.

Jak walked past me and stared at his father's racing trophies. Five of them stood on the floor in a circle. Sometimes Jak sat in the middle and looked at them one by one. Not tonight, though. He stared at the smallest one. It had a cheap holopicture of Drusus in it.

I turned back to the skillet and smoothed cream on my face. The bruising very slowly started to fade. I picked up my sewing needle and scrap basket. "Jak?" He faced me. "Go to bed, honey. I'm going to fix my skirt, then I'll join you." He nodded and climbed into bed, still wearing the medallion.

I tsked at my skirt and decided to raise the hem in the front so it was the same length all the way around. I sewed quickly, hoping to finish before the rationed eco lighting went out. Finally satisfied, I set it on the counter and locked the door. I jammed a chair under the knob and patted Jak on the way to the circle of trophies. The holopicture lit up when I touched it.

It had been one of the happiest days of his life. The camera had picked up Drusus' face perfectly, and the rest of the background was fuzzy. He was jumping off his zoomer _CilleyLove_, named after me, seconds after shattering the last ring. He had just won first place in the Annual Men's 200 Standard Ring Challenge, one of the few legal races he had participated in.

My heart jumped as I gazed at his grinning face. Almost a year after his death I still loved him madly. He was looking up and to the left, dark blue eyes huge and sparkling. Drusus had a finely cut jaw and a lean speedracer's body. He wore the green shirt our little boy was now wearing in bed-

The lights sputtered and went out. Blindly I set the trophy down, felt my way over to the bed, and crawled under the mantle with Jak.


	7. Doxies

**Now onto the serious stuff. This chapter is a little different from the others. Ahhh... poor Cilley! What do you do when you have to make tough choices? In this chapter we see even more of Haven's loveliness.**

Note on social structure: in many languages an individual's profession is part of how you address them. [ie. "Doctor So-and-so, nice to see you again..."] That is the case for "Doxy" here.

* * *

_Can't get to sleep at night, boy-o?  
Call a pretty Doxy, uh  
She'll take you to the docks, oh  
Call a pretty Doxy, uh  
Nath a dime and a penny'll  
Get you a Doxy all night, oh_

~The Doxy Song  
Blasted from speakers mounted into the foundation of the Doxy House.  


* * *

I rubbed my eyes. Jak had dragged the chair from the door over to the counter and was kneeling precariously, reaching for the cabinets. "Don't fall, honey." I folded the mantle over the bed, tucking it into the holes in the mattress.

He sighed and I turned around. The cabinet was empty. "Oo, that's no good," I said. "I thought we had a roll left." I walked over, set him down on the ground, and opened the rest of the cabinets. "We've got some grains and your jelly. Oh dear."

Jak made a face. He got a spoon and took the jelly jar from my hand. "Fine, fine. Go ahead, rot your teeth." He grinned and dug at the last scrapes of purple goo. I mixed the handful of grains with some water and we sat down on the bed. "It's not a good meal, is it honey?"

He shrugged and licked the inside of the jar.

"Mommy's going to have to make some money today," I said. The grains were moldier than they were yesterday. I heard his stomach growling. "You've got a monster in your tummy, huh Jak?"

He laughed silently and went to get dressed.

I had just picked up my skirt when someone knocked on the door. I unlocked and opened it, still wearing nothing but Drusus' shirt.

She was a Doxy, I knew the second her cheap perfume hit my nose. Her gaudy white costume clung to her, covered in sparkles and sequins. It had mock feathers glued to the sleeves. She scratched at her shock blonde hair absentmindedly, pushing the scrawny boa down into the crooks of her elbows. Her eyes were bloodshot. "You the Wifey, uh?" Typical Doxy accent- fast, sing songy and punctuated with _uhs_ and _daths,_ each of which had a million meanings depending on context.

"Yes." I yawned and leaned against the door frame. She shifted her feet, strapped into mock yakkow skin boots. Jak peered at her glittering necklaces and sparkling make-up.

"I'm Doxy Dove, uh. Hello, little soldier." She jutted her hips and wiggled ringed fingers at Jak. I stepped in front of him instinctively and shot her a look. "Dath, you gotta come uh right away. Gotta help uh my sister. Doxy Cipher's down with the pains, dath."

I crossed my arms. "I only do live births, Doxy Dove."

She looked away for only a second, then met my eyes. "Dath, you gotta come. My sister, she uh wants the baby. She wants it live." She leaned forward, "But if it's got uh the Storts, we uh are willing to make a stillborn a price, dath?"

Storts, short for distortions, slang for birth defects. I sighed. It was hard to do what she was asking for, especially since the area the Doxies worked in had the highest Storts rate in the slums. Given their line of work, it wasn't uncommon for a Doxy to get pregnant. It was rare for one of them to go full term, and even rarer for one to want to keep the baby. Usually the Mister of the Doxy House would only call in a "Wifey" to make sure the Doxy lived through the delivery. Some midwives took fees for killing an unwanted baby and pronouncing it stillborn.

Doxy Dove saw my doubting face. "Wifey, we got a fair uh price. Everyone knows you're uh the best! We need uh Doxy Cipher. The Mister'll kill us uh she don't make it. She's uh going through bad pains, Wifey. The Mister don't uh want another mouth to feed, dath, I swear, Doxy Cipher'll keep the baby if it don't have the Storts!" She swirled her feathered arms around.

I rubbed my forehead. "Regular delivery price a hundred dollars."

She stepped back, shaking a bangled wrist. "That's uh too high!"

"One twenty five, Storts," I said quickly.

Doxy Dove considered. "Done, nath." She peered at me through fake lashes. "You keep uh your word on the Storts, Wifey? You don't do Storts stillborn, I know this, dath."

My reputation was as a good midwife. "I keep my word." Jak looked from my face to hers, not understanding what was going on. His stomach growled again. "I keep my word," I said again, trying to cover the noise.

Doxy Dove stepped back. "Gotta fast zoomer, uh. We go right away, nath." She looked at Jak. "No children at the Doxy House."

I shook my head; half the Doxies there were children. It made me sick. "He's coming. There's no where else he can go."

"Fine. Get dressed, Wifey. I uh get this thing started, nath." She turned in a burst of white sparkles, swaying her hips as she walked.

"Jak, get mommy's stuff." I shut the door and pulled my clothes on. Jak wrapped my cloak around his shoulders, knowing that mommy's work time meant nap time. "We're going somewhere that I don't want to go to," I said, holding his shoulders. "You listen very carefully to mommy, and don't touch anything that isn't ours." He handed me my bag. "Thank you. Don't drink anything there." He nodded solemnly and we walked outside.

"She's a rough uh ride!" screamed Doxy Dove over the zoomer's bad motor. I climbed on behind her and shoved Jak between us.

"Hold on tight," I said.

Doxy Dove cracked her knuckles, tied the boa around her neck, and raised the sputtering zoomer off the ground. "We're going to the back of the Doxy House," she shouted. "I'll let you off and we uh will go in the side. Nath, your little soldier won't see nothing his mommy don't want him to, uh."

"Thanks," I shouted. Jak grinned, loving the feeling of air whipping around his face. I recognized that look. "Don't you get any ideas, mister," I said. He ignored me, daring to send one arm out over the side until the wind pushed it back.

Doxy Dove slammed into a few Guard vehicles, but when she licked her lips they turned the other way. The color of the smog changed from the usual choking black to a sickening green. The Doxy House strobe lights cut through the thick air. Jak made a face. "It smells toxic, doesn't it honey?" He nodded. The city's chemical plants were all upstream of the House, which was situated on one of the canals. I thought the reason for the Storts probably had to do with the water, streaked through with sludge and oil.

Doxy Dove let us down behind the House. The zoomer putted over into the filthy garage and we jumped to the ground. She kicked it and it shut off. "Stupid uh piece of crap," she muttered. She pulled the boa around herself and pointed to the door. "This uh way."

I gripped Jak's hand as we entered the House. We walked through a few hallways, all with doors on either side, hideous noises coming from behind them. The walls were red, with plastic gold molding running around the edges and down the corners. Pictures of Doxies in ornate frames hung everywhere. I covered Jak's eyes. He pouted and walked closer, nearly tripping me. The Doxy knocked on one door with a dove carved into the top of it. A barely dressed young man poked his head out.

"Nath, just another minute Erol," purred Doxy Dove.

He scowled. "What am I paying you for, Doxy?" He sneered at me and pushed his hair back. "What are you looking at, woman? What's _that._" He pointed to Jak. "Doing here? I didn't order the kid combo."

"Eh heh." Doxy Dove pushed me as I stared at the young man, open mouthed. "Thank you for uh your patience, I'll be right uh with you, nath."

Erol spat at her and slammed the door shut.

"Nasty nath," she said, pulling me along. "The Guard think they can uh be so rude. Some naths have no respect for the Doxies." She shook her head.

"What was that about a kid-"

"Oh uh, nothing, Wifey." Doxy Dove pulled me into the room at the end of the hall. "He just a nasty old nath, uh. Cipher! Sister, I uh got the Wifey."

The room was cramped, a thin bed shoved under a cracked window. Doxy Cipher was bleeding badly, the ripped sheets around her were stained. She gripped the mattress, inhaling sharply with each breath.

"Thank uh you, Wifey," she managed to say. She had traces of make-up on her face. I thought how sick their Mister was, probably making her work up until this point. She screamed a little.

"I uh gotta go," Doxy Dove said. She squeezed Doxy Cipher's hand. "You uh listen to the Wifey, nath. I got uh the prices fixed up. Love, uh my sister." She kissed Doxy Cipher's sweaty forehead and left.

"Jak-" He had already crawled under the bed and wrapped himself into the cloak. "Good boy. Stay there, honey."

"You uh gotta help." Doxy Cipher's face was red, veins popping out of her neck. Her large eyes were wet and puffy. "Oh Mar, it uh hurts, nath!"

I got out my strongest painkiller, a packet of gelatinous screamwort, and poured it down her throat. "Keep breathing, breathe. Breathe..."

The delivery was very difficult. Doxy Cipher was knocked out from the screamwort before the baby had a chance to right itself. After a few hours she woke up again, and I tried to persuade her to work with the baby. Nothing helped, and I resigned to physically assisting the birth. Only after the screaming, slippery being was in my arms did I realize why it hadn't righted itself.

"Lemme see uh my baby," Doxy Cipher swallowed and pushed her plastered hair back. Mucus ran from her nose past the corners of her mouth. The air stank of sweat and blood. "Please, Wifey! My baby, nath!" I wiped it off a little more and handed it to her. She wailed. "Oh, it's a Stort, nath! Oh Mar!"

The baby had only one arm and one good eye. Its ears were misshapen and its feet were curling. I put one hand to its stomach and felt around. As I had thought, its ribs were bent internally. It was impossible to tell the gender due to the pelvic abnormality. "This baby does not have a very good chance of surviving," I said sadly. I searched inside for justification. "This baby would have a hard life."

Doxy Cipher started to cry. The little blood vessels that had popped during the delivery stood out on her eyelids. Tears streaked through the sweat and dirt of her pink cheeks. "Oh, uh, my baby! Wifey, you uh don't believe me, but I wanted one, nath. It's this poison, uh! This city is poisoned!"

"Yes, it is." I doused my hands in herbal fluid and started to wipe Doxy Cipher's face. She took my hand.

"Thank you, uh Wifey. It's a Stort, nath. Did uh Doxy Dove...?" She looked at the baby, which was having trouble breathing.

I swallowed. "Yes." I looked under the bed, making sure Jak was sound asleep. I took the baby and held it by its leg. Its blind eye rolled at me and I felt sick. I swallowed again. "I'm sorry," I raised my other hand in a fist. The baby waved like Jak, and I bit my lip. _Just a convulsion. What I'm doing is right._ The Doxy sat up and watched me, sniffing. With one clean thwack, I punched the baby's neck. It stopped moving. "Stillborn," I choked. "This baby is... stillborn."

The next half hour was a blur. I wrapped the baby in a black shroud, almost heaving. Doxy Cipher called for the Mister, wiped her eyes, and started applying make-up. I gathered my things. The Mister waited impatiently as I slowly signed my name on the Stillborn papers with a shaking hand. He shoved a corn sack of dollar bills into my face. I counted the money out on the bloody bed, my fingers twitching. When I was satisfied they hadn't cheated me for the horrible thing I had done, I woke Jak and we ran.

On the way out, I heard screaming from behind the door with the dove.

* * *

**  
That was unpleasant, wasn't it? Thus is the life of a slummer; beggars can't be choosers. At least now they can buy some food.**

Jasmonate: Man, I'm glad I reproduce asexually.


	8. Shopping

_Can't get to sleep at night, boy-o?  
Call a pretty Doxy, uh..._

The Doxy song faded as we ran over the bridges. Jak's little legs stretched to keep up with mine. "Pretend it's tag," I said between breaths, knowing he'd do anything willingly as long as he knew why he was doing it. He touched my arm and took off. I pumped my calves, keeping a tight fist around the corn sack.

_I'm going to have to separate the money so no one thinks I stole it. No slummer carries such a huge amount around for good reasons._ I wiped condensed green smog off my forehead. _I will never do that again. Storts or not, Cilley will not pronounce false Stillborn again._ My sides ached. I ducked into a back alley. Making sure no one was near, I grabbed wads of cash from the bag. One went in each shoe, one was strapped around my waist, and one around my right thigh. The rest I left in the corn sack, which I stuffed into my midwife bag. _Now where is that child of mine?_

I found him sitting on a ramp, looking down into the canal water. "Don't fall in, honey." I rubbed my stomach. It was cramped with hunger. It pained me to think how his stomach felt. "Let's get some food!"

He jumped up and took my hand. We strolled to the closest market square, and Jak dragged me over to the lady who sold jelly.

"Oh, we've got the little boy, here," she said. She tousled his hair with wrinkled fingers. "His momma have money?" She eyed me. Jak made a face and fixed his hair with both hands.

I dug into the sack. "Two jars, please. Pick 'em out, Jak." I handed him the bills and he gave them to the old lady. She tucked them into the bent metal lock box beneath the stand. Jak stood on tip toe and took two purple jelly jars. "I knew you were gonna pick those." I winked at him.

He tried to wink back, but couldn't shut one eye without holding the other open with his hand. He resorted to blinking at me and digging into a jelly jar with his bare fingers. 'Mmm!' he signed.

"Mommy's dying for a sandwich," I said. He followed me over to another stand. "I'll take this one," I pointed to the poster. It had pictures of all the sandwiches on it, but no words. The owner knew who he catered. He grunted and pulled one out from the refrigerated cooler. Jak pointed to a nearby bench. I nodded and watched him walk over to it. The stand owner cleared his throat. I handed him a five and said he could keep the change.

He stared at the bill in his hand. "Wait a minute," he said. He waved me over. "Let me get you a clean one." He put the sandwich back into the cooler and made me a fresh one.

I tried not to grimace. "Thanks," I said. "Got a spoon?"

"Yeah." He tossed me a small plastic spoon. He glanced around the market to make sure no one had seen what he'd done with the first sandwich. "Get outta here, woman."

I nodded and sat next to Jak, who had claimed our bench by lying all over it and getting purple hand prints on the armrests. "Here, sweet one, take the nice spoon. We'll keep this one, so don't throw it into the canals."

After Jak had finished the first jar of jelly, I gave him a five and told him to get a sandwich. I waved to the owner and made sure Jak got fresh meat. He brought back some napkins and leaned against me. I felt his jaw move up and down as he chewed.

"This is lovely, isn't it? Eatin' a sandwich and watching the smog roll by."

Jak nodded and looked up. The suns were peeking behind a bank of black clouds. 'Yum,' he signed. With sticky hands he pulled my arm around his shoulders and sank into my side.

"I think today we'll get you some new clothes." The lettuce was perfectly crisp. I shut my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of food in my body and my little boy next to me. "We can get a real chain for your shiny medallion."

He shook his head and rubbed the braided string between his fingers.

"You like that one?" He nodded. "Well, okay." I kissed his forehead, then laughed and wiped off the mayonnaise on his skin. "New clothes, new clothes." I finished my sandwich.

When he had finished and I had gotten most of the jelly off his hands, we set off. Jak flew the spoon through the air, making spitting noises like the motors of old zoomers. "Careful, honey. Don't hit anyone."

The fruit stands wavered as we walked by. I shook my head, willing the produce to sit still. Jak blissfully didn't notice, and almost jabbed another boy with the spoon as we passed his apple cart.

"Here we are, these look nice." I stopped at a clothing shop. Jak pressed his face and hands against the window, the spoon leaving a hollow print on the glass. "Let's go inside, sweet one!"

He held the door open for me. The shop lady glanced at us.

"You got money, slummer?" She leaned against the counter on her elbows and scowled. "I don't like chasing people outta here. This is a respectable store."

I held up one of the wads from my shoes. "I expect we'll be treated like the upper towners," I said.

She stood up straight and smiled. "Right away, miss. Who are we dressing today?"

"My handsome little boy." I gave Jak a nudge and he stood in front of the shop lady, eyes wide.

"Hello, there." The lady crouched and gave him her full attention. "My name's Linna. You lookin' for clothes, mister...?"

Jak waved the spoon at her.

"His name's Jak," I said. "He doesn't like to talk."

"Smart boy," Linna stood. "He looks about a size five. You know his size, or are those home clothes?"

"Home clothes. We've never visited a store of this quality before," I said carefully.

Linna smiled. "Right, a size five. Here we have some stain-free overalls. They only come in blue, but they've got a guarantee. Nothing can stain these threads. New polymers, everything washes right off. They'll last at least a year or so." She held up the overalls.

"What do you think, honey?"

Jak was standing in the middle of one of the circular clothing racks, pushing the hangers around and laughing silently.

"He likes 'em. Can he try them on?"

"Certainly."

Linna waited patiently for the ten minutes it took me to convince Jak he had to try on the overalls, and then the next five minutes it took for me to get him to take them off again. "We haven't paid yet. Put your tunic back on."

"He'll need a shirt for those, too," Linna said. "This one's made of the same material and won't fade." She handed Jak an off-white shirt. "It matches, see? You've got the same style the mannequin has." She pointed to the plastic model. Jak ran over to it and tried to introduce himself.

"No honey," I said, leaning against the wall. "He's not real, honey." The walls were dimming. "Uh Linna." The shop lady looked at me. "Thank you for your help. That's all we need today."

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to try anyth-"

The ceiling spun. "Oh no, not today." I felt along the clothes racks to the counter. "Jak?"

Sensing the strain in my voice he ran over.

"Mommy's feeling not so good. Hold this bag for me, please." I handed him his clothes and gave Linna a fifteen dollar bill. "Keep the change," I whispered.

"Thank you!" She stuffed it into the register. "Pleasant day, miss. Bye bye Jak."

Jak waved, then took my hand and guided us to the door. In the sunlight I groaned. He tapped my hip.

"Oh Mar..."

A line of Guards marched down the street, occasionally firing into the air. Everyone stopped, facing them as they were expected to. The funeral procession was headed by the Supreme Krimzon General, who screamed through a megaphone as he passed.

"By order of the Baron, all are to pay respectful dues to the Baroness. She died this morning of complications. Those responsible will be punished. Respectful dues are twenty dollars. Approach the collection casket once and once only to pay."

Everyone groaned quietly and fished through their pockets. Jak looked up at me and frowned. I licked my lips. Complications? From the birth, perhaps? I wondered if Praxis had gotten a good look at me when I was in the Baroness' chambers.

I handed Jak a twenty and sat in the street. I waited for the Supreme General to see me wave Jak up to the black casket. He nodded and went back to screaming. The hierarchy of Guards passed by, Colonial Guards checking off slummers to make sure they had paid their respectful dues. Scouts and Patrolmen carried the huge black collection casket, and the newly recruited Guards carried the small shrouded box that held the Baroness.

The sky waved as they passed. I imagined the Baroness, wrapped in black silk, bouncing around in the wooden box. I imagined the pile of money in the bigger casket. More shots fired into the air. Someone screamed, then Jak was pulling me up and we were running home.


	9. Message Disk

'Come on, mommy!'

Jak gripped my hand in one of his and signed with the other. I gasped. "Mom- mommy's sick, Jak." The buildings were flying by, a blur of sandstone and broken windows. The bags I held banged against my legs.

He pointed feverishly.

"Yes. Home. Finally." My sides heaved. I collapsed and leaned against the door, breathing hard, my heart thundering in my chest. Jak stood with wide eyes, looking at me and biting his fingertips. "Mommy's gonna be okay," I gasped. I groaned and turned away. "Don't be afraid, honey. Mommy's gonna be okay."

He let me sit, face against the splintered door, until my breaths came slower. Finally I pulled my legs up and set my chin on my knees. Jak pushed some strands out of my face, and they stuck to my hair with sweat. He held out one small hand in a half shrug.

'Jelly?'

I laughed, shutting my eyes and feeling the sound go hoarse and cut up the back of my throat. I turned and spat blood at the lower door hinge. "Maybe that will stop the squeaking," I said quietly.

Jak was picking up the bags and trying to find the house key. "It's in the bottom of the corn sack. No, the other bag. The one without your clothes." He pulled out a roll of bills and raised his eyebrows. "Ooo Jak! Put that away!" I lowered my voice to a whisper as he hastily shoved it back. "We can't let people see that sort of thing." He nodded and found the house key.

"Ugh." I pulled myself up and took the key. "Thank you, honey." As the door swung open we heard a beeping noise. "Oh! Honey we have a message." Jak stooped and picked up the thin disk that someone had slid under the door. We threw the bags on the bed and sat on the floor together. Jak waved his hands excitedly. "Can you get mommy some water? Make sure it's been boiled." He did an impatient dance, wanting to hear what was on the disk. "Please?" He lowered his eyes and dragged the bottle of boiled water over to me. "Thank you, Jak."

He pointed to the disk.

"All right, all right." I took a big gulp of water. It was bitter but good. "This is a real cheap one," I said, pointing to the hole in the middle of the disk. "Rich people have disk readers, but since we don't, they make these kinds of disks. You put your finger here and spin it around. Then it plays the message." He tilted his head questioningly. "Sorry sweet one, I don't know how it works. It just does. Do you want to try?"

Jak nodded and jabbed his finger in the hole. He spun his wrist around, but he couldn't do it fast enough. He squinted at the disk and handed it to me.

"That's okay, honey, it takes practice." I spun the disk.

"AWK!"

We both sat back, startled.

"This is Pecker, here. If that stupid messenger boy didn't deliver this disk to Cilley, please return it to Onin, and we'll give you a free palm reading."

It paused for a minute.

"You really, really have to be Cilley to hear this," came the moncaw's voice. "Don't make me hurt you from afar."

Jak shrugged. I kept spinning the disk.

"Okay, down to business. Cilley, Onin has found the protector for Jak. She says that you have to come here as soon as you can. But first you have to do the First Year Rites."

My jaw dropped.

"Listen to whatever it is whoever it is tells you, then get your magical brat over here."

Jak folded his arms and pouted.

"Don't keep us waiting!" There was a short silence. "AWK! This is Pecker..." I stopped spinning the disk; it was just going to keep repeating the message now.

I groaned. Jak looked at me, a million unspeakable questions running through his mind. "What a long day," I said, chugging water. "Doxies, sandwiches, shopping... and now the First Year Rites." I sighed.

Jak got up and his fingers flew. "Honey, you're going too fast-" He stomped one foot and waved his arms around. "Honey, please, I can't-" Jak grabbed my hand and put it on his chest. He started to cry. "What is it?" The medallion was cool under my fingers, but I could feel nothing else. He shut his eyes and opened his mouth. It is an unearthly thing to see a child wail without making a sound. "Oh Jak!" I hugged him, wondering why he was so upset. He was my little boy, crying rivers into my cheap shirt and unable to say why.

"Jak?" I wiped his face with the back of my hand. "Jak, honey, you gotta tell mommy."

He took a deep breath and his shoulders shuddered. He pointed to the disk, then to me, then did an impersonation of Pecker.

"Did what he say bother you? You know you're not a brat-"

Jak shook his head. He signed, 'new word,' and pointed to the disk.

"Oh. Hmm," I tried to think of what words Pecker had said that Jak didn't know. "Palm reading?" He shook his head. "First Year Rites?" He shook his head. "Protector?" He nodded. "You don't want to- oh. Oh." Jak knew, somehow. He knew that the protector was going to take him away from me. _I can't believe he remembers that from when we visited Onin last year._ "Jak," I put my hands on his shoulders. "Tonight I'm going to do the First Year Rites. We'll see what happens. If Onin says you need a protector, then you'll have one. Do you understand? Mommy loves you very much." _But she can't say she'll never leave you. Oh Mar._ I felt tears gathering at the corners of my eyes. "But enough about that. Why don't you go shower and then you can put on your new clothes? The nice store lady says they can't get dirty. Isn't that neat?" He sniffled then trotted off to the shower with the bag of new clothes.

I watched him shut the curtain half way, stick out one hand and wave, and pull it shut. I wiped my eyes. "First Year Rites." I walked over to the circle of trophies and picked up the small one. "I can't believe it's been a year," I said, touching the holopicture. Drusus smiled his eternal smile and the shower clicked on.


	10. First Year Rites

**I make lil' Jak cry so much cuz Haven sucks. It's really just... so ugly. That's the very first thing I thought when Becca started our first game of Jak II.**

This chapter is a little like the last in that it's a bit slow, but necessary. Plot development approaching!! Haha. Oh yeah, there have been questions about the time line. It's messed up but it WILL work out in the end. 

* * *

We ran out once more before the sun set to the closest market square and bought flour and sugar and other basics. I counted the money and shook my head. How quickly it goes.

"Thank you, Jak. Yep, the sugar goes in the little jar." He poured it in carefully, watching the white grains fall through the air. When he thought I wasn't looking he dipped a thumb in and tasted it. "Jaaaaak." He gave me his innocent look. "Well, you aren't going to want to do that with the flour, trust me."

He filled up the flour jar and put the rest of the dry goods away. With one hand he wiped the extra off the counter and scuffed it into the floor. "Do you need help with your overalls?" I held his sleeping shirt out.

Jak fumbled with the fasteners then resigned himself to getting help from mommy. "My handsome little boy!" I pressed the clothing flat with my hands and hung it over a chair. "They'll be nice for tomorrow." He pulled on the green shirt and stuck out his arms. He zoomed around the room. "My little speedracer's got bedtime now," I said. He shook his head. "Mmmyes he does!" We ran around the room a couple of times until the walls started bending and waving. He let me capture him and I snuggled him under the mantle. "You have pretty dreams, sweet one," I said. I kissed his forehead and he flopped over onto his stomach.

I waited until I heard deep breathing before I dimmed the lights. I set our black pot into the sink and turned the water on. While it filled I opened the skunk jar and took out the key. "Here we are," I said, pulling the white moon mushroom extract from the cabinet. I relocked the little door, grabbed the flint stones from the counter, and brought the black pot outside.

Our backyard was little more than a few feet of dust butted up against the back of a warehouse. I dragged some discarded timber from the warehouse dump to our cooking site. Chopping it up quickly with a rusty axe I had once found, I arranged it into a crude circle and scraped the flint stones. Once the fire was hot enough I put the pot right in it and headed back inside. I grabbed our ladle, the extract, and a bunch of jars from the cabinets. Tucking the small trophy and the message disk into the corner of my elbow I went out again.

The warehouse backlights flickered a little as I set everything up. "Let's see..." I scrounged around the edges of my mind for the long ingredients list. "Oh yes."

The First Year Rites were done on the first anniversary of a loved one's death. Half the slummers swore it worked and the other half said it was a waste of expensive herbs. I had never done them before, as my parents had made it plain they didn't want me experimenting with the temperaments of the dead. I was surprised that Onin had wanted me to do them; I was always among those who had serious doubts. But I knew the Rites. Everyone does.

I took our sharpest knife from the kitchen and walked over to the bed. Jak's eyes flitted around beneath the lids. I pulled the mantle aside and touched the back of his neck. The skin was so soft. I kissed him and cut off a short lock of hair. He murmured a little. "Shh. To sleep, Jak."

Carefully I tucked the hair into a pocket and got down on my hands and knees. Under the bed in the furthest corner was the paper parcel. I dug it out and suppressed a sneeze. Dust flew up into the dim light. I coughed as quietly as possible and went back outside.

I ripped the paper apart. "Oh Drusus," I said. I pulled out the skirt and gently shook it in the night air. Flecks of red blew away in the slight wind. His blood had rotted most of the fibers, leaving black streaks from the hem to the waist. I sighed and glanced around. All the neighbors' windows were dark. I pulled off my skirt and put the bloody one on. It was very loose around my hips. I knotted the front of it so it wouldn't fall down. It used to fit me very well.

The shirt was in better shape, and I pulled it over the one I already wore. Fishing the lock of hair out of the skirt on the ground I tossed it into the pot. It swirled around, shiny green strands riding the frothing bubbles. I was always told that part of the child came from each parent, so Jak was the best source of Drusus I had now. Since the Evac Team had taken away his body, I didn't have any of his own fine blonde hair. "Cilley begins the First Year Rites in honor of Drusus, her first husband," I said softly. If any spirits heard me, I did not know. "White moon mushroom extract for sleep." I dipped the very tip of the ladle into the jar then stirred it in the water. Hastily I put the lid back on the jar and set it inside the house. "Cloves and lead." I sprinkled the dark herb and a pinch of metal shavings in. "Tears of those who always weep." The salty mixture from both Jak and I. "And all spices for the dead." A few of my midwife herbs could be substituted for the more expensive demands of the recipe. I put in extra dried lemon and cherry rinds just in case.

"These Rites are done with respect for my deepest love and with the blessings of the Great Seer Onin." I broke off a piece of the message disk and threw that in for good luck. "For closure and for peace, I offer his most happy material moment." I waved the trophy over the boiling water, not wanting to put it in. Biting my lip I dipped a corner of it in and then set it on the ground. Various leaves and powders went in, and I added a whole handful of sugar. I stirred everything with the ladle.

"These are the clothes I wore the last time I saw you," I said to the liquid in the pot. It had turned a noxious green. "Onin said to do this. I'm afraid, Drusus." The green boiled into a blood red and hissed. _The only people I know who've done this before said it was rewarding but painful. They wouldn't tell me exactly what happened. What if I used too much white moon mushroom extract? What if Jak wakes up to- _Unable to bear that thought I shook my head violently. "I love you, Drusus," I said. The warehouse lights sputtered and the eco lighting in the house went out. The tiny bonfire at my feet continued to rage. My arms were orange in the light.

The blood red gave way to a clear yellow liquid. Little clumps of hair and leaves were visible at the bottom of the pot. The Rite Water was done now. Though the fire still burned, it stopped boiling. I took this as a good sign. _Now the scary part. I drink this until I pass out._

Shaking, I brought the ladle to my lips. It smelled as bad as I thought it would. I gulped some of the yellow water down, grimacing. My head felt like it spun around once, then centered itself. I took another ladleful. The warehouse shimmered. I tried not to gag. Afraid I would pass out into the fire I took the biggest jar I had and filled it up. I sat cross legged against the house, watching the fire. The skirt ripped where it had rotted. I took a sip from the jar. My arms felt heavy. The world was breaking into squares; the fire was a clashing heap of cubic reds and yellows and oranges. The warehouse split into three long rectangles and seemed to engulph the black pot. My stomach felt warm. I took another sip. The jar became too heavy and Rite Water spilled down my body, soaking into the rotted cloth and numb skin beneath. The cubic fire fuzzed around the edges and then burned black. The warehouse collapsed, dove into the ground, and everything was dark.


	11. Drusus

**As for where I come up with stuff- I sit at my computer for hours with a vague idea of what the plot will be and all the details come as I write.**

I think this is the saddest chapter yet. Even _I_ almost cried, and I wrote the dang thing.

* * *

In the blackness I felt my body grow stronger. I stood up and stumbled blindly for a few minutes. Then the city's alerts pierced through the air and in the distance I saw light. I ran towards it, glad that I didn't have problems breathing in my own dreams.

The blackness peeled away at the edge of the light.

The corner.

I stopped. Light continued to stretch to where Krew usually stood in my nightmares. He wasn't there. The peeling darkness paused, then exploded out through me. Everything now- everything was here. The concrete walls splattered with shining blood and the stench of burning oils and flesh. I looked down at the black zoomer shell. It wasn't in the right position. The alarms screamed, but no one came running. Slowly, the pool of blood oozed out from under the tail rudders. It stopped right where I knew it would, right at the edge of the new cracks in the street. I heard groaning and Drusus crawled out from under the zoomer. It broke as he moved and settled into the place that was engraved in my mind. _Oh Mar... I'm seeing him die._

His eyes hadn't glazed over yet. He was trying to pull his shirt away from his neck. Drusus spat blood and teeth and coughed. "Help..." he said weakly. I shuddered involuntarily and sank to my knees. His hands shook. "Two minutes." He tried to pull his leg out from under the zoomer seat. "Fifteen seconds." I saw bone splinters through his shin. "I won!" His face was splitting in half. He stopped struggling with the zoomer and lay in the dust. I covered my mouth with my hand and swallowed bile.

"Drusus!"

Krew's voice. I heard the pattern of his lithe footsteps approach. He came into view, but unlike Drusus and I, was a strange shade of gray.

"Dammit! The new model!"

Drusus grabbed for Krew's leg. Krew kicked him away. He turned and ran back in the direction of the hideout, screaming, "c'mon boys! We got metal to salvage-"

The red lights flashed. I crawled over to him. His blue eyes were starting to whiten. His hands clenched and unclenched. I touched his face but he couldn't feel me. _I'm inside the memory of a dead man._ I knew Krew would return soon, and after that I myself would be running to the corner. Then the Guard would come, and then they would shoot him like a dog in the street...

"Drusus!" I didn't care that my hands went right through his face. "Why am I seeing this again?" Overwhelming helplessness coursed through me. I screamed at the sky, my fingers bloodless though they had trailed through the puddle of red. "Why are you making me see him die?!" Blood started seeping out from the front of the zoomer- the blood that would climb up the hem of the skirt I wore now. Drusus coughed once more and then his head turned. His tongue snuck out of his mouth in a cocoon of saliva. His eyes started to roll.

Then I saw something I had not noticed that night, and all the nights I dreamed about it since. Thin tears ran down from the corners of his eyes and mixed with the open muscle and bone of his face. _Drusus never cries._

I felt the blood rise in my face and I started to scream. I covered my eyes with my palms and cursed Onin. "How could you make me relive this?!" Mucus and tears clogged my throat. Around me I felt the flutter of Krew and the slummers and the Guards and myself, all gray ghosts and red sirens.

"Let me go! Let me go back to my boy!" I looked up just in time to see the Peace Maker blast my love into a twisted heap of black and bone. I shut my eyes but I couldn't banish the sight of his body convulsing in the cold blue light- the sight those Guards had spared me a year ago. I screamed and screamed.

"Oy! Cilley love, leave that alone!"

I sniffed and looked around wildly. The Guards and the corner faded together in a monochrome gray. "W-what?" I whispered.

"OooOOoo! Cilley!"

"Drusus?!" I stood up as fast as I could. My nose ran and I tried to wipe it with my sleeve. I coughed and spun around. "Oh MAR!"

Arms folded over his green shirt, Drusus leaned against the wall opposite the corner and grinned at me.

"Drusus!"

I ran over, laughing hysterically and crying at the same time. He caught me and I thought I would die in his arms. "Oy, Cilley love, calm dow-" I cut through his water slums accent with my mouth. I wrapped my arms around him and shut my eyes and all I could feel was his warmth.

"Oh Mar, oh Drusus." I smashed my face into his, relishing the touch of his nose on my cheek and my fingers curling through his hair.

My tears slipped between our lips and he laughed and pushed me back. "Just a sec, love." He pulled a handkerchief out and gently wiped off my face. I laughed too, in complete shock and feeling happier than I had ever felt before. "That's a bit less disgusting." He winked at me and I pulled him down to the dusty street.

"Drusus," I said, smiling. I stretched out over him and kissed him until he made me stop.

"As much as I'm likin' all this," he said, stroking my face. "We don't got a lot of time and there's things I got to tell you."

"Okay." I shut my eyes. He was so _real._ His chest rose and fell beneath my body as he breathed. I even felt a heartbeat under his warm skin. _This is enough. Oh Mar. I can't leave you again._

Drusus combed his hands through my hair as he talked. "You got a bad sickness, Cilley love. You're always dizzy and feelin' sick and it's cuz of your sickness."

I murmured into his chest, letting his warmth and physical presence fill me completely. His accent, considered the lowest of the lowest classes, sang through my ears and I shivered with delight.

Drusus sighed. "You're not listening."

"Yes, I am." I snuggled my face into his shoulder and kissed his neck. "Please don't leave me again."

"Tell me about my son."

"He's beautiful." I felt a quiet sob rise and crushed it. "Jak's beautiful." I pushed off his chest a little and looked down into his eyes. "Just like you. He's strong- stronger than me. He helps me all the time. And he loves those damn zoomers." Drusus grinned. "He still doesn't talk. He doesn't scream. We're doing signing. This is 'daddy,'" I wiggled my fingers against his cheek. "He loves you and we miss you so, so much." I almost started to cry again. "At night he wears that shirt, and he looks at your trophies."

"He in school?"

"No. Praxis destroyed them, basically." I traced the seam of his shirt with one finger.

He sighed. "Cilley, sit up, Cilley." I rolled off him and we sat up against the building. He took my hand, frowning at the bones beneath the thin skin. "Please don't be 'fraid of what I gotta tell you."

My happiness faltered. "What is it?"

"You're dying, Cilley."

"What?"

Drusus licked his lips and looked away. "You're real sick, love. Look how thin you got." He ran his hands down my side and swallowed. "You got something inside you, eating at you."

"I do?" I stared at him in disbelief. "But I thought it was just cuz- just cuz we didn't have food all the time, and when we had food I let Jak have it..." I trailed off. Then I shook my head. "No, we bought flour and stuff today. We'll be fine, Drusus."

"I didn't expect you to believe me." Drusus put one hand under my chin. "But you gotta do what I tell you, okay?"

_Listen to whatever it is whoever it is tells you, then get your magical brat over here._ Pecker's words flew through my mind.

"Find Gyp-the-Blood and get some Nervate," said Drusus. "Then go to Onin-"

"Nervate?" I held his hand tighter and frowned. "We don't have that kind of money."

"And you don't got time to sell everything to make enough," he said, brushing dust from my hair. "You gotta do a trade with Gyp-the-Blood, kay?"

"Why? For Nervate? No, Drusus, I'm not dying." I began to feel a little angry.

He shut his eyes. "Yes, love, you are. You know you are. You can feel it. Please, Nervate's the best way to-"

"What about Jak?!" I let go of his hand and gripped his shoulders. "I'm not leaving him! I can't!"

Drusus took my hands delicately. "That's what the protectors are for. They're gonna look after him when... when you gotta go. See?"

"They?!"

"Jak's got fate," he said. "I'm not allowed to tell you about it now, really. You'll know, though. He's got the good fate. He's gonna do great things, Cilley. You've done just about all you can for him. He's got your love in him now and that's gonna carry him through everything in the world, and then some." His face blurred a little. "Cilley, love, you been crying too much for a year. It's time to stop." He wiped my face with his thumbs. "Please stop, Cilley love. I know it hurts and it's scary, but you got to be strong. For Jak."

I couldn't say anything, just nodded dumbly and pressed my lips together.

"You gonna make a trade with Gyp-the-Blood. You know that red sponge cake you locked up?" I nodded. "You're the last one in Haven who knows how to make it. Trade it for Nervate."

"Where do I-"

"The protectors are gonna take good care of Jak," Drusus started to stand.

"Are you leav-"

He held out his hand and pulled me up. "You only gonna meet one of them, but trust me, he'll deliver Jak and Jak's got his good fate to carry out." He kissed me. "I love you, Cilley. Listen to what I say, now, kay? Don't forget to see Onin after you get the Nervate."

"Are you leaving me now?" I whispered. I folded my hands together and leaned into him.

Drusus made a pained face. "No, Cilley love, you're leaving me."

I swallowed and he tried to smile. The blackness rushed toward us, and before it shattered our embrace, I felt his lips against my ear. _I love you, Cilley love, don't cry Cilley love..._

* * *

  
Cold water. I shivered and opened my eyes. The sun and the house and the walls and a little blur of blue shocked me upright. I rubbed my eyes and tried to think why I was outside. Jak glanced at me and went back to dumping water on a bonfire. I pulled my legs up under my chin. Jak put the bucket down and laid my sewn skirt over the rotten one. He saw me shivering and touched my forehead. My teeth clattered. I felt empty inside and cold on the outside. I couldn't remember what had happened.

Jak picked up the pot and dumped the dirty yellow water over the remains of the fire. He put one hand on his hips and wagged his finger at me, scolding me for falling asleep next to the fire. I blinked, faintly thinking that at one time I had been the one wagging the finger.

He ran into the house and came back out with the mantle. He plopped down next to me and covered us both, then hugged me. His eyes darted back and forth, and he pulled a jar of jelly out from under the mantle. Eventually my shivering stopped. As I warmed, I remembered.

_Drusus_

"Jak?" My voice cracked. He looked up at me, his smile purple and sugary. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Want to know what daddy's last words were?"

He shrugged and tried to wink at me.

"'I won.'"


	12. Gyp the Blood

**This chapter is another dark-ish one. This is rated PG-13 right? Bah, too lazy to double check... enjoy!**

* * *

  
"You can leave the pot there, honey," I called out the back door. Jak nodded and I pulled the jar of red sponge cake out of the safe. "Don't eat any of this," I held it at his eye level. "It's very, very poisonous and bad."

His eyes got wide and he nodded gravely.

"Today we're going on another adventure, only this time mommy doesn't know exactly where to." I chewed my thumbnail, thinking. "We've got to make a trade with a man who I think is bad." Jak did his impression of Krew. I laughed. "No, honey, a different man." I dumped the jar into my midwife bag, along with a bit of money and the keys. "Pick what you want for lunch, and we'll take it with us, kay?"

Jak carefully placed a jelly jar in my bag. He grinned. I wound the mantle around my shoulders and locked the door. "Ready?" He felt his chest for the medallion. "Oh, maybe we should leave that at home." He shook his head and hid it under his shirt. "All right."

We walked into the street and looked up. "The smog's not so bad today, is it sweet one?" Jak took my hand. He pointed to his overalls. "Wow! The dust isn't sticking!" He nodded, smiling. "That's a good purchase, then, isn't it? Look at mommy's skirt!" He brushed the layers of grime. "Don't get your hands dirty; they're not made of special fibers."

We made our way through our neighborhood, though I was definitely sure we would not find Gyp there. "Want to try the Water Slums?" Jak shrugged. We walked on the creaking docks, putting our heads down whenever a Guard passed. I pointed out a house in the distance. "That's where daddy used to live," I said. Jak frowned and pulled me toward a different hut, biting his lower lip.

"What is it?" He tilted his head and signed. "Dreams?" I looked up. It was a regular Water Slum house, round and thatched. Jak pushed his hand against the door. "No, honey, we can't go in. It might be dangerous." He shook his head. I put my hand on the door, too. "Feels like the house is humming, doesn't it?" Jak nodded. He stared at the door expectantly. "I'm afraid it doesn't want us to go in," I said. He pulled the medallion out, and as I protested, held it up to the house.

It rumbled. Jak jumped and grabbed my hand. I tucked the medallion back under his shirt. "That's enough of that!" I heaved him up onto my hip and backed away.

Flickering light shone from under the door. A deep, muffled voice spoke. Jak and I tilted our heads. The words were unclear, broken by the sounds of crackling eco. I thought I heard, "-not yet ready-" and then I turned and ran.

Panting, I let Jak down on solid ground. He turned and looked back at the Water Slums. "No ideas," I said, grabbing his hand. "Come on, we'll try Southtown and the Port." My lungs ached and I thought about what Drusus had said.

There was construction at one of the city squares. Jak ran around the bright warning cones, generally ignoring the screams of the workers. I smiled. A man in a hard hat swore at Jak. He cringed and looked around for me. I waved. As he made his way over, I squinted at the large blocks of stone. An unfinished statue soared overhead, crowned in scaffolding and yellow tape. I shook my fist at it; another grand embodiment of our Baron Praxis. Jak stuck his tongue out at the worker and we walked around the square.

"Mommy has no clue where to find the man," I said, looking up and down the harbor. Krimzon Guard submarines floated in the harbor, ensuring no imports or exports from Haven. I sighed. A group of dirty boys stood by the water's edge, crowding around a flustered upper towner. I walked over carefully.

"OooOoo, he's got quite a stink," said one boy, fanning his face. He seemed to be the oldest. They were water slummers, I knew immediately.

"Smells like riches. We ain't got no riches, do we?" said another. He blew his nose in his hand.

"Away with you," said the upper towner, flicking his wrist. "I won't tolerate your despicable actions any further."

"Watcha say we don't make our despicable actions no further for a fee?" said the first boy. He grinned.

"'Scuse me," I said. The boys jumped and turned around. The upper towner looked at me with distaste. "I got no quarrel with you, but I'll give a buck to the boy who can tell me where I can find Gyp-the-Blood."

The tallest boy looked at me sideways. "Who's lookin' for him?"

"Cilley," I said, not batting an eye. I fished out a dollar. "Keep my word, boy-os. Who knows where he is?"

"For five I'll take you to him straight," said another boy quickly. The upper towner edged away as they spoke.

I looked him over. "Straight?"

"Yeah, ma'am." He grinned. "I know you, Wifey. You helped my momma last year." He looked to the oldest boy for approval, who gave it with a wave.

The upper towner had crept outside the circle of boys. "You losin' your prey," I said. They all whipped around and a few tackled the man. He screamed. I tilted my head. "Don't kill him."

The oldest boy nodded curtly. "We don't do that kinda service, Wifey. We just liberate the rich from they most deadly disease; the riches."

I turned to my new guide. "You'll get the five when I'm there."

"Fair's fair," he said and turned. I gripped Jak's hand tight and we followed. "My name's Jinx," he said. "Gyp's not a bad guy, provin' you don't get too messed with him. Whatcha lookin' for, anyway?"

I hesitated. "Nervate."

The boy's eyebrows shot up. "You got more than five bucks in that skirt, Wifey?"

I looked at him cooly. "Maybe."

He shrugged. "Just ta warn you, we gotta go somewhere a little." He looked at Jak and grinned. "_Adult_, for him."

"If you mean Doxies," I said wryly. "Jak's already seen one." Jak made a face.

Jinx laughed, slapping his knees. "Man! You're the coolest momma I ever met." He whistled. "He can't be more than six!"

"It's not what you think," I said, looking away.

Jinx led us down to a saloon. I couldn't read the sign, but it flashed an annoying pink over the sidewalk. "This is Gyp's place," he said. "We check here first. Sometimes he's out selling, sometimes he's here."

The door burst open with smoke and loud music. "Oo, I love this one," said Jinx, shaking his arms. "New classic on the streets. Homage to Gyp's home." He grinned.

The saloon was filled with smoke. Two sweating men danced around the boxing ring, both bleeding from the nose. Barely dressed women flitted around, serving drinks in thin glasses. Men chomping cigars screamed- at the fighters, at the waitresses, at each other. A few cages were suspended from the ceiling, housing more women and one man in various stages of undress. Over the racket the music pounded.

_Oh, Haven's Doxies get you a smile,  
And Perpetua's make it worth your while,  
But Sickle's Doxies break your balls,  
Then bash you up and down the walls,  
Yes, Mar almighty, ain't nothing more fine,  
Than that Sickle Doxy o' mine!_

"Oh Mar." I covered Jak's eyes. "Get under the mantle, honey." He grabbed my legs and Jinx laughed.

"I don't see him here," he shouted.

"How can you tell?" I could barely see across the room.

Jinx shook his head. "He ain't here. He must be out sellin'."

He pushed past me and we were back on the street. My ears ached. "Ouch." Jak looked up and grimaced. "Yealch. Promise mommy you'll never go there." He nodded.

Jinx cracked his knuckles. "Don't worry, Wifey. He's prolly just down a ways." He strode off, humming the horrible tune.

At the Western end of the Port Jinx stopped. Children in expensive clothes and their parents stood around, licking ice cream cones and holding balloons. The balloon man leaned against the wall, knotting strings. A girl, elbow propped against the ice cream service window, chatted loudly with a customer.

"We're here." Jinx held out his hand. "Five dollars."

I looked at him. "Where's Gyp?"

He scoffed. "Right there. Five dollars."

I looked over the parents and children again. One of the little girls had pearls and gold woven through her hair. "Where?"

"Right _there!_" Jinx pinched his lips. "Come on, Wifey, I did my part."

I furrowed my brow. "The balloon man?"

"Yes!"

I shot the boy a look. "You don't take that tone with your momma, you don't take it with me." He looked down. "Here, Jinx. Thank you."

He tucked the bill into his pocket and grinned. "Pleasure, Wifey." He melted into the crowd.

Jak looked at me.

"Want a balloon?"

He nodded.

"Okay." We walked over. The children looked down at Jak, just like their parents looked down at me.

Gyp-the-Blood was a short, heavily built man. His black hair hung over his bloodshot eyes. He wound pink and red ribbons together with thick, brown fingers. He looked up. "Kin I help you?" he said, real smarmy.

"Yes." I jerked my head away from the crowd. "I'm looking to purchase a few things. Gyp."

He blinked slowly. "Shall we start with a balloon?" He waved to the colorful bunch.

"Sure. What do you want, Jak?" He pointed to a blue balloon. "That one's good."

"What color ribbon?" Gyp asked, walking further away from the throng of children.

"White."

We stopped at the edge of the water. "Two fifty," Gyp said. I paid. Jak beamed at his balloon. I swallowed. "Now." Gyp secured the rest of the balloons to his belt. "You came here wit' Jinx, that little bastard. What kin I interest you in?" His pupils were pinpricks. He turned away from the crowd and pointed to his jacket. "What're ya lookin' for? Dagmar? Sweet Sludge? Mar's Gravy? Or my personal favorite, new from the Port this morning, PreCC. The Precursor's Complete Creation- you take just a wiff'a this an' your mind'll go places you never been."

"Nervate."

"Ha!" He looked me up and down. "Rich man's suicide? You can't afford that, woman."

"I'll do a trade for it," I said, fishing into my bag.

"You don't have anything I want. Not for Nervate." Gyp started to turn.

"Not even this?" I held it up. Gyp squinted at me.

"What is it?"

I handed it to him. He opened the jar and sniffed. "Is that what I think it is?"

I nodded. "Last jar in the city."

He grinned. "And these are pure?"

"Absolutely." I twisted my mouth. _Mar, I bet he'll sell these for millions._

Gyp pocketed the jar. "Haven't seen these in years," he said, still smiling. His teeth were rotten. "Death in a cake," he laughed. "This will either start a war, or end one." His laugh stopped abruptly. "How many people you wanna dose?"

"Uhh... one."

Gyp glanced around. He dug into an inner pocket and pulled out a wad of plastic, wrapped like candy. "Always carry one," he said. "Jus' in case I gotta commit. Go psycho and commit." He shook my hand. "Pleasure, woman." He pressed the plastic into my palm.

I tossed it into my bag. "Uh, how do I... take it?"

"Hmm?" He was looking at Jak. "You're taking it?"

I was silent.

"What's under his shirt?" Gyp bent down. Jak laced the balloon ribbon between his fingers nervously.

"Don't touch my boy," I said. "How do I take Nervate?"

Gyp squinted at Jak's chest. "Chew it."

"How long does it take to work?"

"What's he got under his shirt?"

"None of your damn business."

Gyp stood up. "Woman, you ask Gyp for Nervate and then won't tell what that boy's wearing?"

"Yes."

Gyp rolled his bloodshot eyes and stared at a cloud. "Nervate's got a history," he said. "Rich man's suicide. It's made from a rare plant, or animal, or somethin. Kin only get it through me, through this Port. You take it and ya got about twelve good hours left. Twelve hours to get your will in order, sort through your wealth, eliminate your enemies, then you're dead. Rich man's suicide."

"What are those twelve hours like?" My stomach flipped.

He shrugged. "I never taken it. Yet. Makes you strong and able. If you're sick, you ain't sick then. But towards the end you sit down, you fall asleep, you die. It's painless. That's where the cost comes. These other things." He patted his pocket, where my jar was. "They ain't so painless, you see."

I nodded dumbly. The reality of what I was doing had startled to settle into my stomach, and it didn't like it. Jak tugged my hand and signed 'bad man.'

"Mmm hmm, honey. Thank you, Gyp-the-Blood. We'll leave you now," I hurried away.

"Sorry ya won't be around to do business with later!" He called. Some of the parents glared. They held their children close, careful not to mess their styled pony tails and starched collars.


	13. The Protector

**[answers to questions in reviews. written before the reply feature was available]**

**In case anyone was wondering, the Jinx I had in the previous chapter grows up to be one of the men Jak helps in the sewer.  
Gyp-the-Blood is based off a real balloon man/drug guy from the city of Elizabeth, NJ (near where they film that show The Sopranos...) I know this cuz my mom was little when he was around... she never got any balloons from him!  
**

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Jak yanked the ribbon down and grabbed the balloon. He looked up at me through it, his distorted face pale blue. "Oo, a monster," I said. "What have you done with my son?" He laughed and let go. It floated and bobbed around my shoulders. "Hold on to it tight, sweet one."

He nodded and grinned. "We're going to visit Onin now. Think Pecker will like the balloon?" Jak's grin got a little evil. I laughed. "Don't get it too close to him, though. He might pop it." Jak put up his fists and pretended to box an invisible moncaw.

I tied the ribbon around his wrist. "Now you won't lose it," I said. He stuck his arm out and twirled in circles, watching the balloon dance through the air. "Don't hit anyone, honey." He batted his eyelashes and took off. "Hey!" I took a deep breath and set off after him. At least it was easy to see where he was going- the balloon bounced around peoples' shoulders in the distance.

"Jaaaak!" My sides hurt and my heart thudded each time my heels hit the road. "Come on, honey," I gasped, "wait for mommy." Jak glanced back at me, still running full speed. "Look out!"

He smacked into a Guard. Though he was a Guard in training, as his light armor and smaller gun revealed, I didn't think he'd go easy on Jak. He spun around and shoved his gun in Jak's face. "No!" I said. I forced my legs to go faster. The Guard pulled his mask back. As I tasted blood at the back of my throat, I idly thought that he looked extremely young.

"Watch it," the Guard spat. Jak's eyes were wide. The Guard's face was thin and blood blisters had formed under his tattoos. They looked infected.

"I'm sorry," I gasped. I grabbed Jak's hand. The Guard coughed and cleared his throat. I saw the status stripes on his shoulder armor and my heart sank. This Guard was no older than ten.

He rubbed his face and squinted at me. "Watch your damn kid closer, next time," he said. His voice was too low and gravely for one so young. I pulled Jak to the side. "_Damn_ it!" The Guard cursed as a blood blister popped. Red lines ran around the tattoos.

"Maybe you should see your medic," I whispered.

"Maybe you should shut up," he scowled. He coughed again and slammed the mask down. "Get moving, or I'll shoot you."

I winced and we turned. My breathing slowly wheezed down to normal, and my sides stopped hurting. After we had entered the market area I looked down at Jak. "Honey?" His big eyes swiveled up to meet mine. "This city is very sick, you know that?" He nodded. I sighed. "That poor boy." Jak shrugged and pulled his medallion out. "They're training them younger and younger, now. It's a cycle, Jak." I cut myself off. I didn't want to tell him things he didn't need to know yet. Jak held the flap to Onin's tent aside for me and we entered.

"RAWWWWK!"

Jak slapped his hands over his ears and I resisted the urge to do the same.

"How did you get _that?"_ Pecker jumped off Onin's head and stood in front of Jak. He brushed his wing over the medallion.

"It's a mistake," I said. "It was inside our pass to the Silent Place."

Onin's eyes brightened as she tilted her face in my direction. She waved her hands around. "No no!" Pecker said. "Not a mistake. Onin says everything is clear now."

I looked around the tent. Not much had changed from last year. A faint pink stain remained on the floor where Jak had knocked over the bowl. I smiled.

"The Aged One is here," said Pecker. He flew back to Onin's hat and perched. "He's the first protector."

"The first one?"

"Yes. Onin says there will be three in total," the old woman held up three fingers. "Not two, not four, but three." Pecker leaned over the hat. "Jeez, woman, I can count you know."

"Drusus said that there would be more than one," I whispered. "Who are the other two?" I glanced at Jak. He was peering through the balloon at the tent, silently laughing at Onin's face, distorted behind the plastic.

"The Shadow and the Tainted One."

"Tainted One?" I made a face. "I don't like the sound of that."

"It does not matter what you like," said Pecker. "It is the way of things, and that's how it goes."

"Well." I sat down, holding my stomach. "Where are they?"

"Onin says the Aged One will be here shortly. But there is a problem."

"What?"

"The next protector isn't coming for another twenty years."

"_What?"_ I stared at the moncaw.

"Well, twenty one, nineteen." He threw his feathered wings into the air. "The Aged One was a little sketchy on the details." He tilted his head and considered. "It might even be eighteen. How would I know?"

I blinked. Absolutely nothing Pecker had just said made sense. And though that was common, I was worried. "Twenty years?" I repeated.

"Yes." I jumped and looked behind me. A withered hand pulled back the tent flap. An old man, the Aged One I assumed, entered the tent and acknowledged Onin with a nod. He wore a blue robe and held a staff. "Hello, my dear," he said, smiling. His voice was ancient, and he scratched at the white cloth covering his head.

"Hi." I stood uncertainly. The Aged One walked over stiffly, leaning on his staff. "Are you here to..." I trailed off and pointed at Jak.

"Yes," he said, his blue eyes twinkling. "I am here for the boy." He looked at Jak. "He's a very special boy." The Aged One took my hand and squeezed it. "What a brave woman you are, raising him on your own." I smiled. "You may call me Kor."

"Cilley," I said. The old man exuded a calm, collected air. I felt instantly at ease beside him.

"Onin says the next protector, the Tainted One, isn't coming for twenty years," said Pecker.

"That's quite right." Kor turned and sat on a faded pillow. "Oh, my old bones," he said, rubbing his knees. "The Shadow is also about twenty years away, though he will have already been established when the Tainted One arrives."

My head spun with his words. "Excuse me?" I said politely. "I'm sorry, but I don't understand."

"That's quite all right," the Aged One said. "It's very complicated, but that is how it is. We need to get this boy ready immediately. He must be a child to fulfill his destiny."

"In twenty years he won't be a boy anymore," I said.

"We have already realized this problem, stupid woman!" said Pecker. Onin swatted him. "I mean, Onin says that she is well aware of that issue, and that is why the Aged One has come. He will take Jak where he needs to go."

"The future?" I bit my lip. Was that even possible?

"Yes, and I'm afraid, my dear, you can't come." Kor looked at me sadly.

I lowered my head. "How are you going to get there?"

"Yes, Onin and I are very anxious to see how this will be done," said Pecker cooly. He squinted at Kor. "You barge right into our siesta prophecies and talk about messing with the time line. Onin can't see this future you're describing, and she doesn't like being left in the dark!"

The Aged One waved one hand. "I've been communicating with a man at the Institute," he said. "He's the very best in his class and has studied Mar's writings for many years." He ran his hand down his beard. "Yes, he is very useful."

"Onin demands to know who you're talking about."

"Very well. I was just trying to reach him by comm outside." Kor stood and pulled a clunky comm out of his robe. He cleared his throat.

"Yes?" asked the operator.

"Qua'kaddian Institute of Haven, please," said Kor.

"Student, faculty, staff?"

"Student. Vin."

"Just a moment, sir."

Kor held up the comm so we could all see the vid screen. Jak looked up from his balloon. The screen was black. Zagging white lines ran through it and then a hand reached for it.

"Yes? I'm very busy, you know. This old eco stabilizer isn't going to-" The hand twisted out of view and a nervous looking man filled the screen. "Hey! You're not Professor Sani." He pushed his brown hair, streaked through with white, out of his goggled eyes. "Who's this? What's going on?"

"Vin," said the Aged One, glancing at us. "This is Kor. We spoke yesterday about the special project." Jak pointed to the man in the comm and laughed.

Vin stared into the camera and scratched his nose. "Special pro- oh yeah! Oh, yeah, that's all set." He wiggled his gloved fingers in front of the screen. "No problem! All I had to do was preset the coordinates with the shield wall's capacitors, spin the warping galleries around a hundred eighty degrees and pinch the time loop." He snapped his fingers. "Though, uh," he lowered his voice to a whisper. "Don't tell anyone. The Baron just put through new laws about time travel. Seems he doesn't want the graduate students messing with the time line anymore."

"Are you sure everything is safe?" said Kor.

"Well, since you came here with half the technology, I'm pretty sure it is." Vin glanced around. "Some of that bottling actuator stuff is ingenious! Who gave you those equations?"

Kor chuckled and muttered something. I didn't quite catch it, but it sounded like, "you did."

"When can we leave?" Kor asked.

"Hang on." Vin's face vanished from the screen. The computer monitor behind him lit up. "I've got coordinates set right here," he pointed to the city map. "It'll be ready at, oh, seven hundred hours tomorrow morning. Don't be late; I can't let the warping galleries spin for too long or someone's bound to notice."

"We'll be there at precisely the right time," said Kor.

"Okay." Vin looked around again. "And we never had this conversation," he whispered. The screen went black.

Kor chuckled and clicked the comm off. "Now that that's settled, we can move on with our plans." He tucked the comm into his robe.

"You're leaving tomorrow?" I said. I took Jak into my arms and he stuck his tongue out, trying to grab the balloon. "But that's so soon." _My little boy..._

"Yes. We must. Time is of the essence." Kor looked up. "Jak's got very important things to do, and he simply cannot do them here now." He turned and faced Onin. "Do not forget us," he said, patting Jak's head. "We'll be back to speak to you."

Pecker folded his wings. "In twenty years?" he asked skeptically.

"About. I'm not exactly sure. The time will be dictated by events we cannot fathom, that have already happened in this very city, hundreds of years ago."

Jak made the 'crazy' sign and pointed to Kor. I nodded, but inside my heart ached. _He's leaving me tomorrow... that's too soon._ "Is there any way you could go in a few days?" I asked. "Then, maybe, go and make the time work out how you need it?"

Kor's light eyes were filled with sorrow. "I'm sorry," he said. "But there's nothing I can do about the time. But I do promise." He leaned on his staff. "That as Jak's protector, I will do everything in my power to ensure that his due fate is completed."

"You'll keep him safe?"

The Aged One's stare didn't falter. "I'll keep him safe," he said quietly.

I nodded slowly. "If that's what his good fate is, then." I touched Jak's cheek. "Then I guess I have to support... you."

"Onin wants to know what your plans are," said Pecker. "She is aware of your First Year Rites and what was told to you. Have you obtained the Nervate?"

"Yes," I whispered. I patted my bag and Kor looked at me curiously.

Pecker put one wing over his chest. "This is the hardest part of the job," he said. "Onin says that you have been the best she's seen in a long time, and I'll tell you." He raised his eyebrows. "She's been around a long time."

Kor didn't seem to understand. I decided to keep my decision private. "Thank you, Onin." The moncaw glared at me. "And Pecker."

"Go, now." Pecker waved at the tent flap. "I'll see you again, later, booger, balloon," he searched his mind for more words, "uh, boy."

Jak waved cheerfully and took my hand. We left, and I felt my chest cave into itself. Was I expecting some firmer promise from Kor? I shook my head. I barely understood all this time business. All I knew, was that my boy was leaving me tomorrow morning, and I would be...

Jak pulled me harder, making the signs for grape jelly. I swallowed and kept my throat from closing. The tent disappeared around a corner. I looked up at the sky. _This is my last night on this Earth,_ I thought. The smog darkened. I held Jak's hand tighter. _I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be with._ "C'mon, Jak," I said, an idea suddenly forming in the back of my frozen mind. "Let's go home and make cookies."

He jumped up and grinned.

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**Do you understand the time line?  
This story takes place about twenty years before the second game, in Haven. It depends on how old you think Jak is, so you can think of it as twenty one, eighteen, whatever works for you. That's why Krew is skinny and Vin's young(er)! That's also why Ashelin is an adult when the older Jak gets to Haven- she's had time to grow up. And so has Jinx. And also Erol and Torn- I've always thought of them as being older than Jak. In Erol's case, a good twenty or so years older. Don't they look old to you?!  
So, in case you haven't guessed already, in my story, Kor actually went back in time to get lil Jak, brought him back to the 'present,' and met up with his older self. That bit won't be in this story, so I might as well tell you now. This story is what happens to lil Jak right before he unwittingly meets his older self, near the prison place.**


	14. Nervate

Jak hobbled ahead of me, leaning on an invisible staff. He stuck his tongue out at anyone who gave him a funny look. Occasionally he glanced over his shoulder to make sure I was watching. I waved.

My legs ached. My lungs burned. I thanked Mar he wasn't running. We had walked through the whole city, as far as I could tell. I didn't have access to some of the sectors. I put one hand over my heart and took a deep breath. Jak made a truly horrible face at a passing upper towner and I laughed out loud. He smiled and stopped, waiting for me to catch up.

"Did you like Kor?"

Jak shrugged. He signed, 'protector?'

"Yes, honey. The Aged One is going to make sure you do your good fate." He took my hand. "Do you understand what that means?"

"Cookies!'

I sighed. _We'll have this night together. He'll just have to realize it in the morning. Or maybe..._ I frowned, thinking. He tugged my hand. "Hmm? Oh, the keys are in the bag." He fished them out, ignoring the tiny lump of plastic. I stretched my aching calves and groaned as my neck cracked.

After Jak had gotten the door open, he ran to the back of the room. He held up the skillet triumphantly. "Yes, honey," I said. "Why don't you go get the fire pit ready?" He handed me the pan and ran out the back.

"The Aged One will be here by seven hundred," I muttered. I looked outside; the sun was shining through one of the buildings. I knew seven hundred tomorrow was about half a day away. "Might as well." I unwrapped the Nervate and stuck it in my mouth. I pocketed the plastic and chewed madly. The Nervate was very gooey and tasted pleasant, the way fresh flowers smelled. _Rich people wouldn't settle for anything less._

I rubbed my hands together and got out a bowl. Jak ran back in and motioned for me to light the fire. I pulled out the matches. "Would you like to try, honey?" He grinned. I eyed him. "Hmm. Maybe not." He pouted and followed me outside. "Very nice, honey!" He had arranged the wood perfectly. I struck a match and threw it onto the pile. It flared up. "Let's go make the mix."

"Two handfuls of flour for each of sugar," I passed him the flour jar. He stuck his hands in and white poufed out. He coughed. "Careful, sweet one. Don't breathe in while you do it." I showed him how to cup his hands so flour wouldn't be lost to the floor. The sugar was easier to scoop. I got him a big spoon. "Mix it up. I'll get some water." He licked his fingers and stirred. I poured water in. "What kinda cookies do you want to make?"

'Sweet.' He touched his lips and smiled.

"Okay. Hmm." I looked through the cabinet. I pulled out the jelly jar. He laughed. "We can make jelly cookies. But you don't bake the jelly." He tilted his head at me, curious. "I'll show you, honey." I pushed my midwife's jars aside. "Speaking of which, how about some honey?" I held up the flask. He nodded.

We used our fingers to scrape the honey into the mix. "Lick your fingers good," I said. "It's very sticky!" He nodded and pushed his hair back. "Oh no!" His hair stuck up in a demented mohawk. We laughed and I tried to scrape it out. "Put your head in the shower," I suggested. "Hot water."

He trotted away. I finished mixing the honey in and stood. "What-" My legs stopped aching. I inhaled through my nose. The air didn't burn my lungs! I gasped and laughed. Jak came out of the shower, confused to see me spinning around the room. He hadn't seen me this animate in a long time. "Did you know," I asked him, "that mommy used to dance?" His eyes widened and I scooped him up. "I used to dance with daddy all night long!" I held his hand and pressed him against me. I spun around until he got over his shock and laughed. We jumped, avoiding the trophies and other things on the floor. I threw him in the air and caught him. He made zoomer noises. I felt so alive!

"Wanna see if mommy can jump over the bed?" He nodded. "Whee!" I held him close and sprang. We cleared the bed and when I landed, my ankles didn't scream with pain. I threw Jak onto the mattress and we held hands and jumped. "Mommy can touch the ceiling!"

I never grew tired. It was only when I heard Jak panting that I stopped. "Oh, sorry honey!" He nodded, hanging his tongue out. "Guess we should finish those cookies, huh?" He held out his arms and I picked him up. He rubbed his face against mine. "Don't fall asleep, honey. We have to shape the cookies now!"

I set him down and dusted our hands with flour. We each took a fistful of dough. "For the jelly cookies, roll it into a ball. Then take your thumb-" I held mine up, "-and push down the middle. When they're all done being baked, we'll put jelly in the center." Jak rolled his dough and looked down with dismay. He held it up. "Oh! You made a worm, not a ball." I took it and squished it up. "Try again." He did, and got another worm. "Hmm."

So I rolled half the dough into balls and he jabbed them with his thumbs, grinning wickedly. "Not too hard, honey. You don't want to make a hole."

When all the balls had been poked to his satisfaction, we took them outside. "Put them in the skillet," I said. We arranged them in rings, one inside the other. I carefully stuck the skillet in the fire and turned the kettle over it. "We'll let them bake now," I said. "We have to shape the other half of the dough."

I scattered flour down on the table and dumped out the rest of the dough. "We'll push this flat," I said, spreading it out with my hands. Jak copied me. "And cut shapes from it, kay honey?" I got a blunt knife and showed him how to cut a heart. "See, it's got a point at the bottom, and the two curved halves come together at the top." I pulled the heart out of the rest of the dough and set it aside. "Want to try?"

He took the knife and squinted, sticking out his tongue a little. Holding it with both hands, he cut a squiggly heart. He frowned at it. "No, honey, it's perfect." I put it next to mine. He made another heart. "That's a good one!" I took the knife and made a heart. "This is a J, honey." I cut a J into the heart. "It starts your name, Jak. I don't know the other letters, though." He made some J cookies. Then he signed to me.

"Oh! Here," I showed him how to write my name. It was very difficult to do in the dough, as I only knew the cursive. "I think the Y loops at the bottom, but I'm not sure." Jak took the knife back and made a big C cookie. "That'll work!" He grinned, pulled the C cookie out, and set it next to a J cookie. He pinched the dough so that they stuck together. "Aww." I gave him a hug. His little hands printed flour onto my shirt. My flour prints didn't stick to his new overalls.

Jak sculpted the remainder of the dough into a square. "What's that, honey?"

He spread his arms and ran in a circle, spitting.

I rolled my eyes. _Dangit, Drusus,_ but I couldn't help smiling. "I think the other ones might be done now," I said. Jak took the plate of cookies and I grabbed a metal spatula. I pulled the kettle off the fire and set it down. "Don't touch. Very hot." Jak waited patiently as I scooped all the round cookies off the skillet. Then we took turns tossing the flat cookies in. "Oops!" Some of them missed and fell into the fire. Jak wrinkled his nose as they burned. I put the kettle back over the skillet.

"Get a small spoon, sweet one," I said. I blew the steam from the cookies. Jak got a spoon and the jelly jar. I showed him how much jelly to put into the thumbprints. He filled them all, smiling. When he was done, he took another spoonful of jelly and stuck it into his mouth. "You rascal," I teased.

When the cookies were cool enough, we each ate one. "Mmm!" I said. Jak made the "yummy' sign and reached for another. "We're not having dinner tonight," I said. "So eat as many as you'd like." My stomach didn't hurt at all, so we finished the batch off together.

The sun was setting when we went back outside. "Hold the plate steady," I said. It was difficult scooping the flat cookies. Jak yawned. I was tempted to reach into the fire and pull them out, but didn't know if the Nervate would block that kind of pain. Finally, each cookie was on the plate. I sent Jak inside and dumped water on half the fire. I pushed rocks around the other half and joined my boy.

He was sitting on the bed, tugging at this overalls. "Just leave those on, sweet one," I said. "That way you'll be ready right when Kor gets here." He yawned again and rubbed his eyes. I picked the plate up off the mattress, where he had left it. "Curl up, honey," I said. I put the plate on the counter and turned. Jak was pulling the blanket out of the holes in the bed. "I'll help," I said. I tugged. Jak smiled and I smoothed the blanket down under his chin. "Mommy loves you," I said, looking into his big eyes. He struggled, then popped one hand up over the blanket.

"Kor?'

"Yes, honey. He's coming in the morning. He's going to take you to your good fate."

He blinked.

"You're going to leave mommy," I said softly. "You're going somewhere much, much better. I want you to think of the prettiest place in the world in your dreams tonight, and Kor will take you there. Kay?"

He smiled a little. I bent my face and kissed his cheek. He touched my neck and closed his eyes. I laid down next to him and watched his little chest rise and fall.


	15. The Heart Cookie

**Thank you everyone who read and reviewed, it means a lot to me!**

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His face was pale blue in the rationed lighting. I stretched out on my right side. I watched his little chest rise and fall beneath the old blanket. His hair slipped down into his face and he scrunched up his nose. I pushed it back with my finger. "You're so sweet," I said. I stroked his cheek softly, careful not to wake him. "My little Jak. You are so sweet." He sighed, just as he would have done if he were awake, and flopped over on his stomach. I laughed quietly and patted his back.

The lights flickered and I glanced up. It was the ten second warning- soon the house would be dark. From outside I heard the sputtering of zoomers and speedracer slang. I pushed myself off the bed and ran to the wall. I opened the relief box and snapped the blue tubes. The eco lights would burn all night, until the ration officials found out and shut off the power in the morning. But by then it wouldn't matter. I swallowed. The lights sputtered, then shone at half power. Jak stirred, but didn't wake.

"Honey, I don't know where to start," I said. I looked over the whole house. "There's no one to clean up." I wrung my hands. "There's no one to leave it to." The lights started humming. I sat on the edge of the bed. "I don't know if this house will still be here when you get to your fates." I saw the tiny shapes of his feet under the blanket. "I think I know what they'll do when they find me, though."

My head was clear, but the thoughts were coming too fast. I felt scared. Now that Jak was asleep, I had no distractions. "They're gonna find me in a few days," I said, my voice cracking. "And they'll take me away, sweet one. But I don't know what'll happen to you." I looked up so that the tears wouldn't fall down my face. _Damnit. Drusus said it was time to stop crying. I won't cry. I won't._ I wiped my eyes with my shirt sleeve. "I have to do something."

I swept the floor and left the pile of dirt and flour by the door. I dug the First Rite skirt out from under the bed. It was ripped beyond all repair. I sighed and spread it out. Drusus' old shirts were still on the corner of the bed; neither Jak nor I had changed. I picked mine up and smelled it. The worn fibers hadn't held his scent in so long... I put the shirt on and lay the other on the floor. "It's time to get rid of these, I think." Jak had his new clothes to wear, and Drusus and I didn't need clothes anymore.

"Actually," I looked around the room doubtfully. "There's no need for any of this." I chewed the inside of my mouth. _I should have offered our old things to the neighbors, or to Onin. When the Evac Team comes for me, everything in the house will go to Praxis._ I frowned. _He can't have this place. This is my home._

I ran to the cabinets and pulled out all my herbs and jars. "You can't have these," I vowed softly. "I would rather see them burn." My hand stopped at the little safe. _What should I do with these?_ "White moon mushroom extract, I can't dump this in the Water Slums... but the Thrinaxian Leaf Powder..." I thought hard. Something at the back of my mind itched. I looked around the room again and sighed. The cookies and ingredients were everywhere. I smelled the fire at the back of the house.

"Must be the Nervate," I shook my head. "I can't seem to focus." My eyes settled on the skirt on the floor. "Oh Drusus," I said. "What's going to happen to Jak?"

There was no answer, only the humming of the busted eco lights. I shut my eyes, hoping there was some sort of answer inside. All I saw was the sickness of the city, the sadness and torture of a Slummer's life. Images of the Peace Maker and the Guards cut through. "Jak can't live like this," I whispered. I opened my eyes. "He can't. I won't let it happen." I looked at the bed, dim in the corner of the room. "Your fates will take care of your future, but I have to take care of the past."

"I have to believe," I said, striding over to the pile of cookies. "That your future is better than this. I have nothing else to hold on to." I picked up the squiggly heart cookie he had made. I kissed it. "You can't have this much pain, my sweet one. There is too much sadness in this house. I can't bear the thought of you remembering... me."

I dipped the edge of the cookie into the Leaf Powder. "Just enough to forget four short years." I blew on it. Purple powder swirled through the air. I waved it away. I wrapped the cookie in a bit of rag and shoved it into my pocket. "Now," I said, wiping my hands on my shirt. "Nothing in this house is going to that evil Praxis."

I dumped all the herbs and powders onto the clothing on the floor. "Everything," I muttered. The family's papers were under the bed. I pulled them out. Tiny, unintelligible print blurred across the pages. I squinted at them. The only words I knew were where Drusus and I had signed. I ripped them in half. "You'll have no past to chain you down, sweet one." The pieces fluttered and settled onto the herbs.

I wrapped everything in the clothes and brought it outside. The night was chilly and the warehouse lights were out. I wrapped the mantle around my shoulders. "That's warmer," I said. I shoved the stones aside and put the bundle in the fire. "Cilley makes up her own Rites for her son," I said with half a grin. "Give him the most beautiful city in the world. Give him the fates he deserves. Let our love keep him strong. Let him forget this place." I pushed the burning clothes around with a stick. A cloud of blackness rose, smelling strongly of burned leaves. I dumped the Thrinaxian Leaf Powder on top, holding my breath.

While the fire raged, I went inside. I piled our cookies on the counter. "Jak and Kor can take these in the morning." I looked at the skillet doubtfully. "I don't know what to do with you, yet." I hefted it in my hands. I couldn't burn it like the powders and clothes. The reliable metal shone dimly. I sighed. "Someone will find you and take you home." I set it on the counter and made sure there was nothing left in the cabinets. "Whoever finds the flour and the sugar can have it," I said, waving my hands over our new food.

I threw my midwife's bag into the fire and put the kettle over it. "That's everything," I said softly. I put the rocks around the edge of the kettle. The red and orange flames peeked out between them. "Except..." I went back into the house. Drusus' trophies stood in their ring. I picked up the small one. He smiled his eternal smile. I cradled the trophy. "Can't let go," I said. I looked around the room. The relief box. I walked over to it and wrenched out the tube board. Long wires trailed down, sparking. I carefully set the board on the floor and squinted into the wall.

"Can't see a thing. Hmm." I stuck my hand in and felt the thin insulation. With my fists, I punched the cheap material back as far as it would go. I touched the holopicture. The plastic was corrugated, and I ran my nail along its edge. "Love you." I placed the trophy on its side and pushed it into the wall. "They'll never take your smile," I said. I popped the tube board back into place and inspected its edge. It didn't look disturbed in the dim light.

I put the remaining trophies on the counter, next to the skillet. Each one had a golden plaque I couldn't read. I touched the tiny figures and spun the decorative zoomer handles. "I love you, Drusus," I said. I took a deep breath. It felt unbelievable- no pain in my lungs, no blood in my mouth. "You were right about the Nervate. Thank you, love." I swallowed and cleared my throat. "I love you, I love you." My voice dropped and I repeated it for a long time, spinning the zoomers with my finger.

Eventually, the noise of the night died. All I could hear was the humming of the lights, Jak's breathing, and my own soft voice. "I love you." I blinked and stepped away from the trophies. "Time to let the dirt out." I opened the door cautiously. There were no slummers or speedracers. I quickly swept the pile of debris out the door. I stood in the frame, breathing deeply. The air was morning-hours toxic, and I heard drunks and Doxies across the alleyway. In the distance, between the buildings and the needlepoint Palace, rays of golden yellow streamed. I shut the door and yawned.

I checked to make sure the fire was out, then flopped onto the bed. "Little one," I whispered. Jak didn't move. "You're going to get up soon." I kissed his face. "I love these eyes," I said. "I love this nose. I love your heart." I tickled his neck. "I love your toes. Get up, my sweet." Jak yawned. I yawned, too. He opened his big eyes. "Hello, honey. Did you dream sweet?"

He nodded. I pulled the blanket aside and crawled in next to him. "Oh, you're so warm." He giggled and tried to push my arms away. "No, no," I said, suppressing another yawn. "Let mommy hold you." He rolled his eyes and lay as still as he could. I shut my eyes and pressed my face against his. "I love you, honey. Do you know that?"

Jak rolled his eyes again. "Good. Kor is coming in a few minutes. Why don't you go have some breakfast? Have whatever you want that's on the counter. Save some for the Aged One." Jak nodded and squirmed out of my arms. I shut my eyes and yawned. My legs felt heavy. I felt his little hands push the blanket around my shoulders.

I heard Jak run around the room. My body slowly relaxed, and I held my eyelids open halfway. He scampered up to the bed and touched my face. 'Mommy?'

"Yes?"

He signed a confused mess of questions, mostly about the trophies and where everything in the cabinets had gone. "Shh, mommy's gonna sleep soon. Why don't you draw some pictures until Kor gets here?" I managed to reach one arm out from under the mantle and touch his face. "Be good. Things are changing, soon."

'Protector?'

"Yes." I yawned. My arm dropped from his face. He looked at me in alarm. "It's okay. Mommy is very tired." He touched my forehead. "No, I'm not sick anymore." He smiled and ducked out of view to scratch pictures into the floor.

Every once in a while a hand popped up to explain what he was drawing. I forced my body to the edge of the bed. "That's lovely," I whispered. Jak pointed out the palm trees and the water. He showed me the little hut he was going to live in. "Who's that, honey?" I couldn't point, but he knew what I was referring to.

'Dream friend.'

"Wonderful!" I shoved one heavy arm under my neck and motioned with my fingers. "C'mere, you."

He laughed silently and jumped up. I looked into his beautiful eyes. "Mommy wants you to know that I love you." He nodded. "You're going away soon." He frowned. "Mommy can't come with you. You are going to be a big boy, and do many wonderful things." Jak's eyes watered. "Please don't cry. You're going somewhere beautiful. Just like your dreams." He tugged my arm and shook his head. A loud noise startled us both. "Get the door, honey."

Jak ran over and opened it, wiping his face. "Ahh, hello young man!" I heard Kor's robes swish across the floor. "Where is your mother? Oh." Jak pulled him over where I could see him.

"Aged One," I said. I tried to nod.

"Good morning. Time is of the essence," Kor said softly. "Is he ready?"

"Almost." I groaned and demanded my tired arm to retrieve the rag in my pocket. "Take this, sweet one." I handed Jak the heart cookie. "It will make you forget all your sadness. I love you, honey." He hugged me and started to cry. "No, no," I tried to touch his face but my arms were too heavy. His tears fell into my eyes and I blinked slowly. "No crying. You're going to go with Kor now and have an adventure." I took a deep breath. "You're going to forget all your sadness. But you have to remember how special you are." I wished to Mar I could touch him again, but I could barely move. "You have a light inside that nothing can blacken. I love you. Now eat your cookie." He made the mommy sign, kissed my cheek, and stuffed the cookie in his mouth.

Jak's eyes faded to a soft sky blue. He looked around the room curiously. Kor bent slightly and took his hand. "Come on, Kid," he said. I felt my body sink into the bed. The door creaked open and they walked out into the light.

"Jak..." I breathed in deep and shut my eyes, slowly drifting into darkness.

_And so it was, that the mother of a hero passed away unmourned. Those we treasure are never held highest without sacrifice and love._

Finivit

**This story is now finished.  
The sequel is called "The Trophy."  
Thank you so much for reading! **


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